Good morning.
Have you ever felt numb and disconnected? Like you were just floating there with no meaning or purpose?
Perfect was thrown right out the window.
What was being said to me sounds more like murmurs once it was established that disappointment was the tone...
With not a scratch, and after hours of hanging out in the country with an awesome family that waited with me until the RCMP showed up, I was back home with the boys.
"That's not how I imagined things would turn out." It was a gorgeous, summer day. It was a perfect day. After deciding to be home with the boys as my hours got cut to a dismal amount, I decided it best because it wouldn't have been sustainable to stay.
I was excited for the activities we had planned that day and so were they. And now, I was booking to see a chiro and check if everything was okay.
Sometimes, things can get thrown off in our lives. Even with the best planning and actions, unexpected things can get in our way. Sometimes, people can see you in the wrong light. Start pegging you with things and actions that are far from the truth and it spreads like wildfire, beyond what you can imagine. Sometimes we take on the disappointment and shaming from others. Setting aside our plans, dreams, and direction, and try out "their" version of who you should be, even when they don't really know you in the way that you do. A part of me disconnected to stay "functional".
I cut myself off from dreaming. My body started to cease up days later, and now I was locked to the house, barely able to move or lay down. LOL from a space of where you can't move ("why bother?") or get much done without intense pain, you "get" the chance to sit in your stillness. I went silent. IT went silent... and then...
The boys still had activities they could be doing. We would walk and were on the bus or ride our bikes to get to where we couldn't get a ride. Kept things simple. Kept the calendar of events. Showed up to things. Got a "new to us" vehicle. Still numb, still shut down.
I reached out to others, and connecting with others (other "others") was recommended. Support wasn't really there. Don't give up. This is the part where many people get "stuck". Not knowing where to turn for help and when they do try, it can seem like the wrong turn. Don't stop trying. They had their own stuff to deal with... you know...
For me, I said "forget that!" And I started where I was. Me. God. The boys...and to try dreaming again. I kept it simple..."How would I choose to enjoy a sunny day?" "How can we find a way to PLAY today?" "What is a way we can add some improvement today?" "What things do we like to do?" "What spaces do we enjoy being in?"
I was still heavy in heart, still experiencing pain, keeping my driving to a minimum, and still working on restoring vitality to my life.
It's a process. It's a journey. It's a WORTHY journey. Your life is a great value in this world. You are of great value in this life. You are worthy of experiencing vitality, joy, delight, and love in this life.
It's okay to feel... It's okay to find and nurture good and sustainable connections and relationships. It's out there.
This is not a brush off. This is me having found good support and knowing you can do the same. This is also me saying, if you need someone to chat to or to help support you, I am here. We don't have to walk this journey alone.
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