Thursday, December 18, 2014

Season of celebrating light...a reflection on Energy

I think a lot...okay, well it's more like I keep constant company and conversation with myself ;) ...and as I continue the cleaning/clearing process.... of our house...I came across a note I had written on the back of an IKEA flyer (I write notes all over the place...need a scrapbook just for the notes... :P ) ..

..."measured not in the use of energy, but in the amount of brightness"

Now this was a reflection of lumens versus wattage and making my bulb switch to LED in order to consume less energy, but have the same amount or more light...

But today, it means for me as I have been called into question...sources, the source, and can I be my most luminescent self...? How, with using less energy, can I be brightness in my life and this world? Well, the word "flow" came to mind...

You see, in recent events, I have been blessed with the gift of witnessing what happens when we flow in a beneficial, and clear way. When we clear out...release resistance in our lives...and even...let go of the WHOLE story which we thought was and is our lives ( I personally would like to believe that ME being here is more that facts, evidence, situations, and more factuals...I want to be felt and experienced as welcome as a smile or the sun's warm and bright rays... ) ...back to what I witnessed... I witnessed how a life went from push and prove to being filled with support AND almost as if people have been waiting for their arrival for sometime...that THEO became the answer to the prayers that people had put out and had hoped though they were waiting for the clouds to roll by so the sun could shine... it IS amazing!

Becoming your most simple, and most connected self just feels a whole lot more brighter too. LOL and uses a whole lot less energy leaving you feeling...energetic! HA! And then that energy can go out and do other things in your life with a whole lot less effort (almost efortlessly...really?? Is that possible? Why yes, yes it is...)

So here is my commitment to becoming more LED and beyond! Bring on the lumen baby!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Could it really simple?

We woke up on Sunday morning and head to church, to give to our dear friends and, clothing, was all ready to go.

When we got there and they were the first people we saw...we gave and they were grateful and encouraged...and so were we.  Yes, it was that consider one another in give expect nothing in return...AND oddly enough, receive a heart full of wonder and gratitude overflowing regardless.  I have no intention of bragging about giving...and I really don't care if they are needy or poor or if they are just friends that we chose to think about and to share with.  They came to mind and we gave...AND I honestly believe, that my family thrives best when we: Travel, eat beautiful and healthy foods, pray, and give, give, and give. What was that movie called? ...Eat, Pray, Love...yeah! It's just like that (okay, maybe not quite, but yeah...)... and I love witnessing it.

And then there are times, when we plain out forget! As if we woke up one morning and left behind all that we loved and enjoyed the day before, barely remembering our own names. It sounds like and looks like a big ol' mess! We run around looking for .... I DON'T KnOW! What was I looking for again? LOL it's like a brain fog rolled in over the night and we can barely put one foot in front of the other...we return to habits that no longer serve us (UGH! The "default" habits...gotta train a new "default" button ;) ), we frustrate ourselves and start running around faster hoping that the quicken pace will charge up (LOL Like a spark!) our memories and magically give us that feeling we once had...where things felt so heart-full, and flow-full, and simple...

It's on those days of unnecessary, added complication where I am thankful for the practice of spending some one-on-one quiet time with myself and with God (good default...ahhhhh). I know that sometimes our routine will be overrun with the "do, do, do's" in life from the first step of the day and I may not be able to squeeze in what feels like a morning coffee date with my Love one, but remembering to find that time...and fill it with some serious gratitude and, DEEP and digging questions that free me up more and more from the burdens I pick up along the way (probably while I felt I was running to the middle of nowhere, hoping to grab the right "luggage" along the way...) and to really sit and enjoy the gift of encouragement, peace, clarity...

How can I then share this with others? Not just the quiet part, or the "date with God" part, but the digging down into the deep, DEEP questions to get to the heart of what is keeping them from experiencing "simple" more freely?

As I was going to sleep last night, someone "sat" on the edge of my bed and we began to talk...I expressed my heart-felt is it, that when you tell people the answer to "why are you so...?", they don't believe you. That it could NOT be that just BE in the moment.

"Seek first..."...that's what resonates with me...and as I contemplated being in the company of Divine Love, a WEALTH of thoughts and answers came flooding in and ....I don't even know how to describe it other than AMAZING!  I just had to BE with it just flowed through and filled me up beyond imagination...I felt so BIG! I just laid there in the full enjoyment of this blissful pillow talk...not jumping up to my feet and RUSHING to write down what I could. I just prayed that it would come back to me to share with others in perfect timing.

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." Matthew 6:30-33 (MSG)

Thursday, December 4, 2014

The thumb... in consideration of. ..

Considerings of the thumb...

To the tips of the other digits, the thumb seems as opposition.  Coming from the other direction! WHO does this guy think he is? Always jumping in before we get a touch at it...

But if we could see the bigger picture...or even think about such things...that there might be a bigger reason beyond or understanding. ..we might see that we are all connected for a higher purpose than our individual actions show....

That which we view as different may be their in its fullest intention and purpose as not only designed, but from its very core, could not imagine behaving in any other way...

Essentially,  the thumb is the thumb, designed to be a make ease of our tasks and abilities on a whole. As it serves to the quick and ready aid of its fellow digits,  it also is served and support ed by being a present and active part of the whole. And it doesn't just end there...because it exist as a part of this whole  called human, it  sets this entire species apart into a special class of beings that are also, in like, gifted with its presence.

Who knew, that a small and opposing thing could stand to represent such immense and intense value.

Considering s of the one lost sheep

Considerings of the one lost sheep...

Luke 15:3-7 (NIV)

 3 Then Jesus told them this parable: 4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Psalm 119:175-176
 175 Let me live that I may praise you,
    and may your laws sustain me.
176 I have strayed like a lost sheep.
    Seek your servant,
    for I have not forgotten your commands.

Where is my heart in this matter? Do I seek out the lost? Do we rejoice in our unity? Is it only the Shepherd who celebrates while the 99 stand around and chew grass?

As a disciple of Jesus (shepherd in training), am I not to go out and make disciples? (Matthew 28:18-20) How did Jesus go about teaching us how to live and be? By living it and being it...a child of the Almighty God and Father...the son and Christ....we are to live not just as a humble carpenter doing, saying, and being extraordinary things (the man named Jesus), but also to honour the calling of Christ itself. To consider walking among the Earth conscious of our Christ calling within...

And in that knowing and shepherding,  we are to seek those that wander search of greener grass perhaps? follow a longing and not knowing where it is?
...and our desire, as shepherd (and sheep?), to keep the sheep within the fullness of Grace and protection of keep ourselves as loved and protected be unified and even perhaps to not encourage our other sheep to feel as though the don't belong? I to then watch for my fellow sheep? the most Christ-like way within my being...

Yes, consider the lost sheep...and consider the shepherd who seeks that sheep...both are within us and of us.

Also, that 100 sheep seem as a representation of wholeness. ..and that we should seek to not only be whole, but also to celebrate our becoming more whole, and joyfully share our excitement with can I encourage those around me to find their way?  Seek....find....walk with in joy...celebrate their return to wholeness, unity...oneness.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

You are here as a prayer answered...FB post Nov. 5th, 2014

Honestly, I feel so gifted when I have these talks, particularly with my oldest son, that surprise and speak to me as much as it is being spoken to him. And I am compelled to I believe that this inspiration is not meant for me alone...

"Good morning! Overflowing gratitude this morning 

 ...and another inspiring talk with my son.

... you, are an answered prayer. Someone somewhere prayed for exactly who you are and God has shown up through you and as you as the answer to that very prayer. Who are you to NOT show up and BE that blessed answer in someone's life. But you are given a great gift of choice in this time and space you are witnessing and you get to choose if you will live it on your own, opening up this gift of life fully, or no, you don't have to get ready for this day, but there is a prayer out there waiting for you as the answer and with willing gratitude...
Let's not keep them waiting...

Monday, October 13, 2014

What's the cost? Choosing to eat more organic foods

Our fridge

I saw this article posted by Food Matters, The 10 Most Toxic Fruits and Vegetables, on facebook and I shared it. (Now  keeping in mind, the toxins they are speaking of come from pesticides and conventional farming petro-chemicals).  This list is similar to the one shared by the Environmental Working Group,EWG's 2014 Shopper's Guide to Pesticides in Produce™. EWG has formulated and tested 51 common produce items and listed the from worst to best in regards to pesticide residues.

I am sharing this, not because I like it and think its important, but because it has made me think the most over the last week.

Knowing this information helps you choose wisely at the grocery store (and yes, even at the farmer's's not all chemical free there, so know that you have the option to choose the organic and conventional at the same price there folks....local has more "ready", fruitful nutrients, so that is the bonus...).

Our family has a budget for groceries, and just a few years ago, that budget was half of what it is now...and we grew a garden, pillaged the neighbourhood of it's fruitful spoils (, we asked our neighbours :P ), and chose to buy superfood, ORGANIC produce so we could get the most health in our tight situation. (And chose because for a few cents difference per pound and maybe $5-$10 extra at the till, we knew we were not going to feel hungry later).

From my parent's garden....goji berries!
It's not just about's good to eat food that is not only going to NOT burden you with toxins, but also that is more nutrient really are getting more health for your buck when you eat foods that have had to pull a little harder for those life-giving nutrients in happy, rich, organic-based, fertile soil.

 Makes this list your "must be organic" choices and then you can upgrade the other choices in due time (using the Clean fifteen list from EWG helps too.)....we are 9 out of 10 on this list from the blog post on the 10 most toxic..(darn cukes...) and currently we do buy organic cukes as well (in a different type...but the lunch choice has been seedless, mini cukes...for now)....and still have room in the budget for more organic choices...because we choose to.

But HOW did we make it an affordable choice to go mainly organic? We chose to cut OUT other foods that we were buying (and not necessarily as supportive)...main one that made the biggest difference...cutting out breakfast cereals and the milk to go with it...and in it's place we added about 3 times the bulk into our fridge through fruits and veggies that ALL of us could eat at the SAME cost. It took years to transition, but it was his choice to make...and he feels better for making that choice himself.

We also cut out the bulk of processed foods...but since we are mainly a dairy-free, gluten-free, etc. household, a lot has to be chosen in a way that is supportive to our health...essentially meaning, back to basics baby! Single ingredient foods! AND giving our boys the freedom at an early age to make the choices for WHATEVER brightly coloured fruit or veggie that they wanted to try really helped them to become healthy eaters (that buying freedom was GOLDEN!). Giving them access to the internet to research these foods also helped.

LOL I love the cross pollination. Yellow zucchini and acorn squash grown in same patch.
And we grow a garden every year! We are not farmers or green thumbs, but we are persistent...we chip away a bigger section out of our lawn each year to make more room to grow our own food. Zucchini made it back in the garden this year...carrots grew bigger and deeper, heirloom beets made it more to the fridge than to feed the little critters around the yard this year...we tried our hand at potatoes...and for SURE, we will be planting cucumbers next year!  It's a growing process (pun intended) and it's something we get to share with others...I have even offered to grow plants in the yards of my friends...all they gotta do is water and weed ;) That way, I have the space and we all get the food...could you imagine what we could eat (and save) if we all did this?? And we could CHOOSE to support organic growers and companies with our earned dollars, not because we have to, but because it is OUR choice to eat foods that benefit our health in the best way.
Swiss chard...I love you!

We, as a family, continue to learn the best ways to prepare the healthiest of foods and get the most out of what we eat and choose to put into our bodies. And as well, we also have those times where we do get the convenience, processed and packaged, "healthier-gluten-free-blah-blah-blah" foods (healthier of the options available) to have as a treat or because life is feeling crazy and "I just don't care", may-be-using-food-as-a-crutch moments (we try not to support big companies that show that they are not concerned for the health of the humans here on Earth)...but we, for the most part, choose to return to the goodness of good, wholesome foods. And enjoy the process of buying locally...we order local organic foods as well as frequent the farmer's markets to see the entrepreneurial love that goes into the foods and products that are available. It's family fun for all... Creating that wholesome connection with others AND your food is a priceless experience...

But all in small steps and all starting with awareness...(did I mention it taste great too?...ok, that's good for now...) Eat up the info and enjoy the flavours of food at a time.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Considering...The flowfullness of fulfillment

 It has been quite the wrestling match in my head and heart lately....striving to love in situations where it is not quite reciprocated...the gift of love remains and when the person feels it is reach for and receive their loving gift they will...until themselves and in what is given...remains unopened.

And yesterday as I hung out with the boys and we ran and made deadlines (to the minute baby! YEAH!!)...received compliments with prosperous suggestions and made decisions about receiving the wealth of our my boys stepped up and asked for what they wanted and were able to find it (Lego minifigures) and were courageous enough to encourage a neighbour...and as we sat and enjoyed our "dinner" and built these minifigure characters (we each got a different one...hurray!)...I realized how flow-filled being ful-filled feels like...the flow of give/receive, the flow of intention and achievement, the flow of decision and fruition, and the flow of sharing in the joy of the journey with one another...

All these "points" are part of a line through which flow is happening...and if you want more "UMPH" in your moments, you gotta allow for more flow....less clamping down, pushing and squeezing and more opening... LOL sounds like giving birth! But yet it is...every moment is a birth....every choice is a labour...every decision is a baby...and every vision is a parent and child growing into a unified journey of unknown and marvelous experience. AND when we choose to "constrict" the flow (usually starting with love, and usually starting with ourselves...), everything else down the line gets "backed up" as well.  The next thing you know, you are feeling guarded and doubtful...almost constipated with swirling thought and emotion...and that stuff didn't need to get locked up in was just passing through...and now with the back log and emotions that were meant for a moment, but are being forced to stay with another emotion that is irrelevant to its expression/experience, because it is out of context, and YEAH!!! Sounds like a pile of unfiled papers...and lost cheques, and forgotten bills, and unopened mail, and unwashed piles of laundry...and even moldy dishes...CLUTTER baby! Out of context content...

So how do we open the flow? Get some space...and then decide to start with love. (I know, sounds too simple...) Are you being loving to yourself? Why not? Why have you not forgiven yourself? Are you making yourself to be wrong in most everything you do? (feel the tightness?)...

...See, as much as I may have been living in clutter for quite some time, the MAIN reason it was "left" to linger is because I was "constricting" the flow. Now our house is clean (and staying that way for the most part), dishes washed, laundry done AND put away, stuff put where it should be, mail getting open, and everyone feeling they can breathe, be a valued contributor, enjoy one another's company...all because we took a BREAK! We had a family retreat for a week and high-tailed it outta here! And we drove in silence (no radio)...talking was not required...expectations were left behind...we OPENED the flow.  In that extra "space" we talked, we listened, we allowed for each moment to experience it's own emotion, thought, and fullness....and then move on to the next adventure...we loved the experience and we loved and allowed for one another...everything flowed as it should and our unorganized adventure took on it's own perfect shape and timing along the way...

Some things that seem COMPLETELY unrelated (love to the perspective of everything being separate and sarcasm intended...really! serves to remind me that the truth is in connection, unity, "oneness", unseen and seen...multiple facets of the same gem, etc) are actually the source of your experience...(And a well-liked phrase that I hear in my head..."well THAT's your problem!"...) No, it's not a problem, it's a perspective that just doesn't line up with the desired outcome...wrong viewpoint to see through to the other "side" of what you would like to see...shift the view....Is it really related to feel and be in right action? Being emotional is wrong? Expressing emotions...faux pas? A lot of that expectation was hanging over our heads. Being wrong in our expression of emotions..Pure FOONANNY!!! As this is being read, it is being weighed in my mind and yours....Weighed against what? What are we weigh-ting for? A response...from where? How do you know you are receiving it (the response you are waiting for)? this getting confusing and heavy or what?....Some describe emotion as energy in motion....We have an experience, through which we have a response, and from that response we experience ...something! A feeling, a reaction...something. But it's what we do with that "energy" that makes all the difference. Stuff it? (it was me and it doesn't "feel" good, so it must be wrong, and then I am wrong....) Or perhaps...observe what is going on....and if you decide you would like to chose another "feeling" or experience, then let it flow on...Does it really have to become your possession?... and can it serve into the next moment or experience?  It doesn't have to.  Each moment (each day) has all it needs for you to know and experience...or as was written " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Mat. 6:34) what was the constriction? Expectation....and that expectation in me was BLINDING me to the experience that the others in my life were having....they cannot receive if they are all backed seems like more pressure down the pipe. And that pressure creates a fear and resistance that builds up...their current experience/perspective/viewpoint is being constricted by their own expectation within themselves...How much LOVE are they allowing themselves (and opening themselves up) to receive? Are they making it WRONG to love, and forgive, and enjoy themselves as they are because of an expectation that is holding them captive? Very possibly YES!!! How do I know? Because that experience was once my experience (and if I forget, it may become it again....but I know now, so it won't last...) and the experience of countless others in my life who have shared in and about the same thing....I may be wrong and I am willing to be wrong, but as long as that constriction can be lifted from their head and hearts and life and allow more flow for connection and fruitful, joyful experiences then so be it!

So the wrestling is done...and I will hold that space for the love to be myself and for others as well. I may be holding for a while, but at least while I hold the space for another, I will be receiving as well.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

RAWNESS of AWEness - Facebook post October 2, 2014

Good morning! This morning has been filled with some serious and life-changing contemplation (LOL that statement is so NOT for the do-ers in my life...but I am glad they understand  )...
After having an open-hearted, be-real-to-the-bone, and honestly, one of the best pillow talks to date...I have come to realize that there is a RAWNESS of AWEness that I desire to live. If the opportunity seems lukewarm to me, a resounding "MEH!" will come to mind and commitment level will not be there. I love seeing people's lives change for the better...I love back-to-basics...I love witnessing the fruitful abundance and prosperity (overflowing with fullness) moments that life has to offer in the SIMPLEST of moments...and I love being grace with the observance of infinity in wonder through creation upon creation through creation (an ever-revealing unfolding of beautiful intention into the concentration of form and experience...)...AND I love engaging with those that are willing to open up to wondrous possibility with a smile and beautiful hint of curiosity. I LOVE IT!!!
And with that being said, over the last few months, even though I enjoyed a great amount of engaging with people who play and risk to enjoy life and the wonder within, there has also been some moments of dismissal, and unwillingness, and restriction in people that I hold dear that surprised me (or that I opened up to see...)...And to that I say "I love you." There will be no more for words needed...I will wait...but not without jumping in with both feet, ready to play and enjoy life in the meantime...
Let's enjoy and play in this beautiful new day together! I'm still breathing, so I'm not planning on wasting it!  Much Love 
‪#‎thankyouGod‬ ‪#‎honourcreation‬ ‪#‎theprocessisreal‬ ‪#‎Lovefirst‬‪#‎gratitudeoverflows‬ ‪#‎moreandmoregoodness‬ ‪#‎greatexample‬‪#‎thankyouJesus‬ ‪#‎amasterfullife‬

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Have you slowed your roll? Or are you just rolling...?

This morning I posted on FB... "Good morning!  Sometimes we are so used to things being at a begrudged level (and having accepted it as such), that when it up and changes on you unexpectedly, you realize that your pace had slowed down and that you were almost crawling... (I love not being attached to a time frame...full of surprise that come sooner than expected)...
It is good to change up routine...expectations...standards...level of learning...environment (take a trip)...perspective ...activity....PACE!!...area of service (talk with and serve others) experiences...
Spice of life baby!! Enjoy it! It's here all around you, you just have to taste it!
‪#‎thankyouGod‬ ‪#‎Lovefirst‬ ‪#‎thankyouJesus‬ ‪#‎greatexamples‬ ‪#‎getUP‬ "

But I will expand more here...

...I have been trying to encourage my hubby in the morning. He is NOT what you would call a morning person by definition...he prefers to stay in bed and cuddle...with his blanket...and eyelids shut for an extra few hours :P 

I, on the other hand, used to spring out of bed like the Energizer Bunny, hopping to the chores, and to my workout, and hopping straight to preparing breakfast, lunch, dinner, and to my quiet time and hippity hop, hop, hop, HOP!!!  WOOHOO!! I LOVED the mornings!! My greatest joy was being up everyday to see the sunrise.  That was my job!! And to make sure nothing else was in the way of me enjoying the first peak of light into a new day... YEAH!!!!  I got SO MUCH done in that few hours of the morning than I did all day was was awesome...and now, it feels like it's gone LOL.

I laugh and mourn at the same time...where did my "bunnyness" all go?  Where is that BURST? That zest!? And this morning when the alarm went off at 4:30AM (hubby set it earlier than usual) I was like..."huh??" And when he threw off the covers and pulled on his house coat, I was like..."huh???" And when he went out and started grabbing food to make his lunch and breakfast, I was like..."huh???" And then I smiled....he made a decision!

So, right now I am asking myself... "WHY did that slow to roll out, get up, and get going in the morning become the "norm"?" And when did waking up and hour before he has to head out to work come to an end? And AMEN...the answer comes...Last year this time...when he decided he didn't want to get up anymore and do his morning time anymore...and for me,... I decided one day that I would stay in bed when his alarm went off. ( I usually am out and up before the alarm...I don't like alarms) And he cuddled with me and said he really liked it when I was there when he woke I stayed...and before you know it, many months later, the batteries seem to have been removed and I too, was waking with the alarm (which I have never done...).

So now what?  Well, I remembered!! I remembered a time when we would get his breakfast and lunch ready while the dishes and laundry were going and he would sit down and the bible while having his breakfast....sometimes take notes, but it was his moment before heading out into the day.  He calculated an hour beforehand to have time to pace himself out the door. And for me? I had already started waking up earlier and getting some bounce back, but after trying to keep up this morning and having more time to get stuff done, I felt good! And seeing him reclaim his energy felt good...and having to quicken my pace this morning felt good...and me deciding to work out this morning felt good...and after my work out I felt good....see a theme felt good to feel good and see others feel good about feeling good in their daily activities...daily decisions...feeling good comes with a quicker pace...and maybe even a bounce and hop or two...

What I am discovering (this is live news folks) is that the Energizer Bunny that I was, was a woman who felt really good about the woman that she was! And the funny thing is, the "facts" that people asked about in her life (money, job, things she didn't have that others validated with success) did NOT match with how happy and awesome she felt. And now, those validating things are present in my life...the "facts" make a good story, but I can honestly say, I have not felt AS good as I could be feeling.

But!!....I AM excited to move forward with more bounce and quickened step...AND I know what i will do and what I want to do...and that is to stay true to what makes me happy (time with God, sharing my thoughts, being energetic, feeling strong through exercise and movement, keeping on top of things around the house, etc..) and feeling good!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The journey of a beet...a lesson in fruitfulness and self-maintenance

Congratulations!  You have made it! You beautiful beet! And for your strength and perseverance, you will graduate to the level of borscht.  Thank you.

Why am I talking to a beet? What has this beet graduated from? ...Well, my intentions were good and the borscht I made in the Spring was even better and since we had a good harvest from our garden last year of candy cane and yellow heirloom beets, I had all these beet recipes lined up for my family to enjoy. However, the boys liked the borscht, but were not feeling the roasted beets (are you kidding me?? They are SOOOO good and the hubby wasn't liking any of it at all...REALLY???  And so they sat....and sat and sat.....and I am now harvesting THIS year's crop from our garden and there is no WAY these beets are going to be completely a last save for a tri-colour beet borscht is under way.  Honestly, I have been dreading this moment of sticking my hand into these bags since there were soe of these beets that have been rotting...far enough.  It's been a year!  But I dove in.  Salvaged what I could and continued with what looked savable.

And here is were the lesson comes in....most of them had some level of a little rot or two on the surface, and I would cut it off...but then there was a little dot of black underneath.  As I cut these in half, I found that that thread of rizomes went straight for the core...almost every time. Not isolate to the one spot and spread from there...and keeping in mind that beets, and especially organic beets are pretty tough (as in tough meat)...but they found there way to the core and then rotted the beet from the inside out.  I knew this from a few that I tried to save a few weeks ago...and it made me think...

...YES!  You have persevered through some pretty tough are here at long last to be fruitful for great service. For the most part, you have endured while those around you rotted away, succumb to their wounds and not able to heal...but not stayed strong. Even while supporting those that were withering away right in front of your very eyes...and in the end, you stand.

AND...As your triumphant success radiates and glows from your very being...remember...your fruitfulness could very well turn to rot and go wasted if it is not used to serve a good purpose beyond yourself.

It answers the question, 'Where do we go from here?'...Most plants, when they reach a prime point of growth focus on producing seeds.The beets in my garden right now have sent out bolts of flowers that have turned to seed. And hopefully, those seed will go on to grow into beautiful beets (beyond the life of the beet that created it) and produce its useful fruit as well as seed and so on...the continuation of life itself unfolds from our fruit...whether or not we let it serve from our joy into the next generation or if we rot and become the "soil" from which good will grow...

SO, when the peak of fruitfulness seems evident in our lives, lets put it to good use. From our good and accomplished space, no matter how small the accomplishment, we ARE able to serve to the benefit of others with what we have gained.  Not from a "I have just enough for me and I will sacrifice so that you may have..."...but more from a space of "I am ripe, abundant, and prime for sharing because that is what my fruit will produce...more of the same if I share it..." As well, as we grow into our fruitfulness, we should also be maintaining, healing, and mending the wounds along the way.  Don't let a spot of rot makes its way to your core and eat you up from the inside out. Manage the rot spots...don't let them just sit there and fester. They have a "fruitful" intention as well.

Ok, back to the isn't going to cook itself.  Still have a few ingredients to add.

P.S. Pictures and recipe to come...

Thursday, September 4, 2014

The cozy blanket of limit and comfort - Facebook post September 4, 2014

Good morning! I had many dreams that came with many arrangements made last night....I know I wasn't dreaming and that is the part that feels awesome (well, maybe not the double-crossing insiders who stole a weapon and was chasing down those that found out their plan and tried to foil it....whew!! Glad I woke out of that one! :P

...but the thing that stands out on this side of the dreams is,... we really seem to cozy under limits in our lives like the warm blanket of sleep....UGH!!!! And when we are offered to wake up into something even MORE amazing than the coziness of "said" blanket, we whine, complain, cry, persist, and INSIST that there is nothing better...

...comfort lacks the dynamic, exciting, mind-blowing AWEsomeness of JUMPing up and diving into FULL play and yet...that blanket of limit and comfort....oooo it feels so sweet, right? And when the blanket is pulled back for you to receive the wonder of overflowing abundance in a "new" day (or season, or stage, or circumstance, or ______) do you feel? How would you respond?  Scrambling for the edge of the blanket so you can pull it back over your head?  Or ready to invite the marvel and gifts that await for you to open...and open....and open...

So invite ALL those that see that cozy blanket in their lives (you know the one...that if it is even pulled at you find a way to complain and moan and grump and pout....) to think of it more as ...Christmas morning!!! (or whatever celebration gets you to throw back the covers and LEAP out of bed) YES THAT! THAT is the wonder in a new day....ALWAYS!! (L)

Okay, off to enjoy my further quiet and study time ... God bless (L)

#thankyouGod #wonderANDawe #beautifulnewday #thrivingoffcontrast #thankyoucomplainers #Lovefirst #alltoLight

Saturday, August 30, 2014

The value in you - Facebook post Aug. 29 2014

Good morning! And it is a quiet, cozy, sunny, flow-filled new day....sliding in easy-like with a subtle smile...I got my "good mornings", my "hugs and kisses" and I sit in open-hearted wonder...
Maybe, as I come to really relish and enjoy the idea and wonder in the creation, appreciation, intrication, specification, intention, aspiration, and celebration of "me" being here by no small feat... ‪#‎thankyouGod‬ ....I also look to those around me (familiar or "stranger") and wonder if they really ever wonder about all that has come together to make them "possible" here in this world today as well...I see how others really enjoy putting themselves together....even in eccentric and creative they sit and smile (shyly) at the enjoying of their family and chosen friends...but I also see the "holding back"....and the unwilling "pull backs"...and the hesitated "Hi's and Hellos"....and wonder if we could every truly (ALL) connect with honouring the value of OURselves that IS in others....

AND then, even more obvious, are the comments against those things in life we have "deemed" unworthy from our unknowing and small pinpoint on the map of the world scape...the harsh comments that I would never wish to say or for others to hear....and in that I am saddened and thankful...that from early on I have heard many of those daggers whiz by my ears at others and even more so at myself...and seeing how the daggers fly right back around and find a target...oy! as I sit here, I am not reflecting from the space of the mind I have now...or that I choose to have in the future, but from the place that I "was" the heart of "battle"...when I reached out to make friends of strangers, and connect with those that needed to receive a smile...the things that made me "weird" and "strange" then still resonate as "me" now...and still I will say "hi" with a bright smile...because I see you as valued and worthy and a part of makes the wonder and the awe in this day HERE on this earth possible

Enjoy this beautiful and wonder-full day!
‪#‎withgratitude‬ ‪#‎sawubona‬ ‪#‎Lovefirst‬ ‪#‎Lovelifefull‬

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The greatest light

"The greatest light is hidden in the darkness"....

Some of what I am about to share may be quite in an ambiguous state that it may not make sense...just keep reading though...

To even share from my life...LOL the thought of it brings me to tears...not only for its content, but for the fact that noone has really heard it all and the ones who know and have heard and listened to it most completely, are my very own children.

What do you say when you have realized that you carry the burden of a family legacy...?

Hi, my name is Elisa and I was diagnosed with clinical depression over 20 years ago.  Not the kind that deals with a mismanagement of thoughts and emotions...or stems from not being trained in the coping skills that help you to manage stress and can be treated through therapy and counselling...but one that stems from a history of mental illness combine with metabolic markers that cause imbalances in the body. When my dear doctor friend shared this with me I laughed inside and out.  Not only was I a teenager going into University at the time, but I also knew...this would be quite the challenge to face and manage for a lifetime.  The good news, it explained all the inexplicable that we had been trying to explain with my health.  Stress from school and sports, and family life, and peer pressures was simply not enough....the multiple prescriptions that we looked into but ruled out due to their matching symptoms and my sensitivity to chemicals and....ARRRRRGGHHH! LOL....that expression you just read sums it all up.  That's how it matter how much you understand about it, no matter how much support you get (LOL, and no I don't have that kind of support in my life...but at least I had some), no matter, no matter, no matter....sometimes some things are just a part of who you are...for a reason greater than yourself.  And no, I didn't think about it that way at the time, but what I did think and know at the time was this...

...that those who did understand me, and could relate to me, were often in a much darker place than me...LOL with more support and willing hearts to help.  Some of them could not see past the darkness no matter how much they tried and a few of them died in their wandering...

...but even then I was gifted to realize that I (me as a being) wasn't the was something I would pass through from time to time...some were short and some were...much longer...and it's not that I wanted to keep it to myself...I did seek counselling and life was ironic enough to give the strange opportunity to see that counsellors need counselling too. (haha...I didn't continue with those sessions after that point )

...I went to that place...that dark space within and I asked for silence...well, I had to keep interrupting the constant talker that is a terrible listener and doesn't know when to shhhhhh!....but yes, over time the chatter got less and less and less....and the conversation and tone shifted and at that point, I received the silence...and I try and go there as often as possible...into the dark and silent (not the dark and brooding).  And in that space is where I connect to the Greatest light.  It fills me up from the inside out and beyond... and when I open my eyes and things take form again, it amazes me how my view has shifted.  Same stuff!  Same mess!  Same piles, but different.

Sometimes we just need to go there.  Things feel heavy?  Lighten up the thing at a time...celebrate the progress...recognize the process. Things feel hopeless? What are you personally hopeful for?  Sometimes we forget....I know I do.

Even today, I share in experiences in my relationships that use depression as a tool of compassion...a way to help others to move forward and through....but it hasn't absolved me from the experience itself.  I still have and experience metabolic imbalances and along with the traditional emotional "soup" that I have to spoon through...but when those moments happen...I allow...I allow the part of me that knows it is not defined by depression to observe and be is a slow burn of keeping the light going even when it seems extra dark....

...and I remember, that nothing is ever really hidden....we just choose what we see...

" “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!" ~ Matthew 6:22-23

Your #perspective IS that important.  We choose how we will see... #loveandlight

Saturday, May 17, 2014

How sharp is your knife?

An hour of prep time to cook...OY!

And let me begin with this, I have a deep confession to make...I have fallen away...from my passion for food...or at least cooking it.  Or at LEAST that is how I feel...or have felt....BAH! If I give it due thought and consideration (inserting moment of reflection...meditation...internal searching...)  Actually, it s because it has become an obligatory task of ONE, instead of a collaborative dance and excitement from the whole family.  It used to be an ADVENTURE!  Travelling around the world with our palettes and enjoying the new and exotic was almost blissful!  And it sparked my passion for food.  And this was during a time where life was given to me once again to live, so I was happy for the exploration...

...but now, I have let my knife get dull and the thought of food and cooking is becoming a turn-off.  And I literally mean that my knife has gone dull.  WOW!  It was a battle to cut things into smaller pieces without losing my fingers and at the end of it all, I resorted to using my kitchen scissors to cut the rest. But the immense frustration that I experienced in that hour (thank goodness for grinding spices to give me a break from cutting) I learned something...or rather, remembered something.  I used to sharpen my knife each time I began my prep work and sometimes I would even sharpen it after washing it and before putting it away.  I was diligent!  And the main reason was because I wanted to keep my fingers AND wanted to enjoy the ease of prepping with a sharp knife.  It's FUN|!  And it took me years to get the technique right (or at least close) to how the chefs cut on the Food channels on TV.  I felt like a PRO!  And it showed in the meals I cooked.  All the love and enjoyment of the process could be savoured in each bite. Mmmmm.  The exploration and the discoveries were amazing and my family enjoy the variety of it all.

And the take away from this all (and no, I am not ordering out...the meal is cooking as I type)?  Is that WE are knives and the process of prep and cooking is our lives.  Have I been keeping my knife sharp?  In what areas of my life have I let myself go "dull"?  How can I sharpen these areas to allow for more ease in my life?  Where do I notice frustrations in my life?  And what do I need in order to be sharpened?

The process of asking these questions is also a form of sharpening.  Now of course, this is done for observation, take notice and become aware of what is happening or what is being missed in the journey. And then to apply the sharpening tool that would best fit.  In this case, I actually do need to get back to the diligence of not only sharpening my knives, but also maintaining an inviting space to cook in.  Perhaps picking a cuisine to explore through and search out some recipes to try and get everyone on board for the journey,which includes washing dishes, sweeping floors, putting things away.  What fun is it if you can't travel with the ones you love, right?  Having meals to eat is important for a growing family and just because I lose sight of my desire for it doesn't mean that it should become a need that goes unmet.  Staying sharp is living.  Allowing yourself to go dull...well, is just dull.

Well, the food is all being cooked now and I am off to finish it up before heading out to get sharpened by a wonderful course that I am currently taking.  I get the opportunity to learn and be reminded of some of the best of information from some really great people.  I will share more of what I am learning in posts to come.

Great day to you <3 br="">

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Spring! Perseverence has sprung

Spring...I will admit there is always something in each season I can look to and inspired by...but for me, it's not my favourite.  And the one thing for me that inspires is the persistence of growth from every plant I am surrounded with...houseplants that have barely sprouted new leaf now grow runners and vines looking for something to cling to and go further and higher.  And one special little plant that almost saw it's demise while I was away from work...I came back to find it's leaves almost fully crispy from not being watered.  It's a year old too!  This tiny thing has survived this whole time...just bloomed once when it was brought into the office last spring.  And as I was heading home yesterday, i passed the window and was compelled to take it home.  So I went in and grabbed it and brought it on the train with me.  I picked off the dead leaves and noticed it had a bud on it...ready to bloom in IT'S season!! And it also inspired connection and conversation between generations while I travelled...all about this unknown type of plant that is getting ready to bloom again.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Poem ... Pride of Owningship

Pride of Owningship

Oooo the WORDS I wanted to say...the frustration that came my way...

...this behaviour is TRIFE!!...this is how YOU get stuck in strife!...

But I owned it...
I owned the thoughts that passed my window,
I owned the challenges I witnessed,
I owned the growls and groans,
I owned the cries and moans. 
I said I was sorry....I said I wished there was more I could do. 
Not share my relatable story,
not dip down in the stew...
I owned was mine. 
I knew my response with what was given would make this crap smell divine. 
I owned it...loved it up with gratitude...
apologized for not being something more...gave loving condolences to the pain and sore...
and I grew...
                          and who knew...
                                                         ...that you would too <3 br="">

Lesson's always time for life's school

It IS a good morning! I am SO grateful it is TODAY!! Not just because yesterday felt like a bit of a gong show (with a big diamond in the middle...that gem of awesome HAD to be hidden in a wealth of crap and ridiculous...LOL ) And...really? Really?? Yesterday will sit as the proverbial truth behind the concept of .."If the same thing happens to you over and over again, you are not learning the lesson that is intended for you..." Time to observe and reflect...connect back to the source of all understanding (and beyond), and sit on it a bit! HA!! 

But seriously, the lessons I did glean from yesterday were...1. perseverance! Don't surrender to NOT putting it all out on the table because you are afraid of unknown consequences (successes)...finish what you start, approach with the heart of adventure and discovery, apply the opportunity of mastery and becoming, but STAY the course!  It is so worth seeing it to the other side.  2. @#..STUFF happens! What do you think living would involve (or look like) if it had not a thing going on? wouldn't be living. Expect a bump, a challenge, a trial to overcome, a quest to be bested, a valiant effort to be going to be eventful, so make the most of it (you watch movies for the action, drama, comedy, and thrill...where do you think the stories are coming from?) 3. Family time and talk is GOLDEN! However you want to define the "families" in your life (I have many), there is nothing so precious as witnessing the glow of the heart through genuine and watchful LOVING appreciation of one another.  The bliss of excitement this brings and ALWAYS brings to my heart is beyond this world (and a treasure surrendered for divine storage). And last but not least 4. Maintenance and care is for everything.  If I retired my life and functioning because I needed my battery charged instead of just fixing the problem with a SIMPLE and known fix...well, I feel very strongly about giving things the care they need and if they indicate they need specific attention, then give it due consideration.  This is the part of the "story" that really needs change and reflection through another lens. Time for new perspective...otherwise...(let's just say I am done with the re-runs and sit coms of THIS drama :P) Where are you playing re-runs of the same sitcom in your life?   (Probably would be the running thread of "not this again" that keeps the show on the air ;) and yes, someone is watching it...with popcorn...and a drink :P ) Stop and observe, stop and listen, stop and learn, then go and do what needs to be done.  Apply the lerning (LOL I can misspell if I want to ;) ).

Friday, March 28, 2014

I am...poem

I am poem
constant the question
words and their origins
artful expression
loving in wonder
crying in transitions
beating out the answer
one syllable at a time
Looking to plug in
snapshots and glimpses of
my beautiful vision
stand in the ready with
beautiful conversation
serving the masses
through my      unique-to-me glasses
sharing the view
what is the answer
our life in creation
dancing out to a rhythm
steps with the Spirit
moments of connection
with jewels of non-compensation
of what God gives me to see

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


Resurrection ...

Why submit to decay and sting,
why relent to what troubles bring,

Why allow to be down trodden
Weighed down by what you brought in

Misery, grief, regret
Leaving your live to a bet

Why did you think that physical death
was the best way to cleanse
A life of errors and mistakes
and not being able to "fix" it all again

To be born, fresh and new
To start it all over
this journey
To travel forward hoping
that this time you will do

And why do you long for death
Wanting the pains of this life to be over
so that you may enjoy the next.
Setting your joy and your bliss
In realm Divine
And considering this side of life
Is where you are doing your time.

Why not now? To die and live again
In this life you could surrender
In this life you can amend.
You can go under and then rise
A new perspective seen through the SAME eyes.
You can look back without sting
Feel the wave of joy it brings.
Seeing all that was dark glow
And taking forward all you know.

Not wiping clean to relearn again
But taking what was and allowing it to transcend.

Allow sin to have the fullness of its own sting,
and be resurrected into salvation
That Jesus brings.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Are you prepared?

Preparedness - A state of looking and living beyond the limitations and allowing to explore the abundance of opportunities with simplicity and ease.

(okay, it may not be the conventional definition and some would put another word in front....(Faith?  Gratitude? Discipleship? Enlightenment? Peace?) However, accepting that we (you and me) already exist beyond our limitations is a difficult observation and practice (perhaps we are divided in our focus?).)

Seeing ourselves connected and unified instead of separated (like floating chunks of flesh that "somehow" move in the same direction...) is also "hard" for people to comprehend.

But if I was to say (and as many say on my newsfeed....I have a great wealth in like-minded and faithful individuals around me) that you are FIRST love, joy, happiness, eagerness, energetic, healthy, unified, supported and that your actions and experiences are all ways and indications of you working it out to return to unity and connection from a place of separation, would you believe it? Would you be willing to explore the possibility of what comes first?  Could you imagine that your feelings of separation are meant to amplify the good in life that you feel contrasted against?

It's all possible...maybe even worth consideration, perhaps even an exploration, even better still, an don't even have to take my word for can "check" it out for yourself ;)

Monday, February 3, 2014

What we do not see is bigger than what we think we are seeing

I am grateful today.  And yes, everyday I experience gratitude.  It is the attitude that I choose to be in and it brings me peace...connecting me to Upmost compassion, especially when there are aspects of my journey that I find challenging.

I experience, in this life I am living, what is referred to as Invisible Illness.  Not just one, but more than one.  I know that many will never understand what it is to go through such a thing, and for that they can be and should be grateful.

A typical day for me....I wake up and head for a glass of water.....I know that my body has been hard at work, because the way in which I felt as I fell asleep or "passed out" is not the way that my body feels as I wake in the morning.  I know that there has been repair, healing, and recovery, because most every night I go to bed in physical pain.  I then connect with gratitude in prayer...glad to be awake another day.  After that, it turns into a flurry of chores and getting my family ready for the day and then out the door I go.  I head out to work, exposed on various levels to chemicals and "fragrances" that cause me a variety of pain and stress.  I have been coping knowingly with managing how I deal with this exposure for just over 10 years. This is what the management tends to look like.... I reduce how deeply I breath, breath through my shirt or a scarf (and now a mask), reduce how much I choose to speak, start pacing and moving, position myself "downwind" the source of the "smell" or trigger, drink water, and find myself to a fresh air source as quickly as possible.  This has improved my ability to listen, has grown my compassion for others, has increased my observation of others, and...through coping for my benefit, has also brought about a huge level of backlash.  It's funny that the backlash and personal attacks seem more draining than the temporary exposure to chemicals and toxins themselves.  At the end of the day I feel so drained, that most times I will crash on the couch as soon as I get home.  If I am not so drained, I will go through a process of removing all my street clothes, wipe down, get into my PJs, chugging some water with some form of detox supplement or practice (magnesium, zinc, spirulina or chlorella, etc) and then grab my boys and cuddle and kiss and pray and then drift off into sleep.

I have returned to working in the work force in a public setting just over a year ago....and before that, I was home with my children.  Each week before I had returned to a "conventional" workplace, I would expose myself knowingly to a certain level of "fragrance" exposure with the understanding that I had a few days at home in order to heal and recover.  Only a few in my life could fully witness (and accept) the level to which this was an aspect of my life.  Before I, myself, even fully accepted that the reasons I was narcoleptic, with chronic migraines, severe shooting and sharp back and joint pain, inability to walk properly, etc. was due to my constant exposure to the fragrances (synthetic) and chemicals that I had in my home and even wore on a daily basis.  I had so many issues....and no real solutions.  My doctor had tried all that he could and it was written off by various professionals as overwhelming stress.  No prescriptions would work and I was diagnosed as clinically depressed with environmentally triggered asthma and allergies as well as with arthritis and Graves disease.  Now however, in those processes of being diagnosed, I had discovered that I was unbelievably healthy (my doctors was upset as they were hoping to see something to connect in my tests that would give more of a diagnosis).  Even a naturopath indicated that my body was very efficient at healing itself and that I indeed was hypersensitive to chemicals in the environment.

I spent a LOT of mental time and energy second-guessing this diagnosis and experience.  I would PUSH it, over and over, and over again.....making myself appear as normal in situations, in spite of the pain and struggling, and to find out that no matter how I choose to "ignore" the symptoms they were there.  I believed maybe it was all in my head...maybe I was having a negative emotional response or a bad attitude or heart towards someone or a smell....there has GOT to be a reason that I am not "normal" like everyone else....why am I NOT like everyone else?  How come I am this rare and unfamiliar thing among the masses?  (can you see how these thoughts and questions have a toxicity of themselves?) Well, as it would turn out, I was NOT the only one asking these questions....many, many, many people keep asking this of me....assuming I am a liar with anything I have to say and despite the diagnosis (my doctors were also seen as lying), I am/was a liar.  I am hiding something....and so be it.  THIS, more so than the physical experience, is what brings more grief and pain....and in that, that is where I turned to God's compassion and in that space, I grew in my compassion for those that silently suffer AND became the voice for those that felt shame to share that they are less than "normal" from the masses. 

I have met some BEAUTIFUL people through all of this...those whose hearts overflow with compassion for others...that accommodating for the specific needs of others is an honour for them to share and perform.  Willingly embodying the meaning of hospitality.  Those who have struggled so deeply, beyond what my own experience has been, and that are brilliant and giving to others in great and transformative ways.  And I would have never imagined that the levels to which I experience pain is a lesser portion of what others around me go through ( I would never wish others to experience the pains I have gone through so that they would that I have a level of understanding of the pain that others go through is a marvel to me...I am in awe of the strength of others).

So why share this now?  Because, I choose to...and while I am still in recovery mode from choosing to be in an annual event a few days ago now where many individuals were scented and I found myself using many of my coping mechanisms, I am still experiencing the burden of it today.  In those moments, I chose to situate myself in areas where I would experience "less" pain and reaction.  And how many around you may be doing that "silently" as well?  You will never know, but know that it is happening as I have discovered along my journey's way.  And in other areas of my life where scent is a concern for me on a more regular basis, I choose to be in those spaces with a level of safety, so I can be more fully present with my energy and attention and to be able to process more clearly.  It is not something I choose to explain or's not an excuse from one to the other, it's just how I chose to be in those moments in my life.  I would choose to be fully mindful and present in all the situations I approach in my life, but I will admit, some I am chose to attend to more than others.

The thing that I have received the most from all of this is my own compassion for others.  "Compassion is the feeling of empathy for others. Compassion is the emotion that we feel in response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help."  With a profound awareness of the suffering of others through my own painful experiences, I have grown into a person I would have never imagined to be....loving without deep judgements or conditions, desiring to bring peace and love and joy into the lives of others in spite of where they are at, offering true and intended connection with those around me, AND not skulking off into a corner or the darkness when I am experiencing pain, but allowing myself to serve to the joy and connection of others through it.  It would be nice to not have to experience such pain daily, BUT if this is all that I have to experience as physical pain in my life while still being able to bring something of value into the lives of others, then I am, again, grateful, for this great and wonderful gift and how it serves me and others.

Friday, January 24, 2014

3 ways to begin to reclaim your energy and enjoy it...(long)

"It's all in your head" or at least that is what I've been told.  But when you think about it (if you choose to do that...), our life experience is really based on our perception of all the data that we receive and take in.  All the light, vibrations, touches, and smells that we pas through and process throughout the day are all put through the lens of our perception in order to be made "concrete" in our experience and in OUR world.  Have you ever noticed that you and another person may have experienced similar events in life, but they recall it completely different than you do?  I can't even begin to count the many times I have noticed the difference in how I perceive the world compared to others in my life.  I am grateful that I am gifted that difference...that perspective, especially when there are some that experience the negative and wrong and draining in this world, over, and over and over again. But how can they change that?  How can they move from a world view that beats them down and attacks them into a view of being supported and energized?  I had that same question years ago...

Narcolepsy....yeah, that was a good one to start with.  "Falling asleep" anywhere and in any moment.  I "fell asleep" once while on my bike!!  When I woke up, I was still riding it...and hadn't hit anything for about a block!!  THAT I think for me was when it began...

You see, I loved sleep.  I would choose sleep all the time...naps everywhere...I would choose it over food...and at one point, I had even slept for days not wanting to get up.  As I look back on it (careful with this practice ;) ), it was my happy place...and Jamaica too.  I loved Jamaica for so many reasons...I still do :).  But back to sleep pattern and time is still quite the same....I wake up early and go to bed early.  I was glad for the expression "Early to bed, early to rise..."  But when this situation kept coming up...sleeping in the middle of conversations and activities, then it changed.

Not that I didn't notice that I had health challenges before, but they seemed to be simple concerns to me and if my doctor couldn't help, then OH WELL!  But I was sick, AND tired.  I missed classes and deadlines, and I just felt pain on a consistent basis.  Migraines, back pains, body aches, sensitivities and growing one point it felt like I had the flu for AGES!  They checked for meningitis, etc...nothing.  But it was after that moment on the bike that I started looking at all of them as possibly connected and deciding to find a way to fix gave me a sense of relief, but also a new way to look at the world I was processing

I also had an "unsupportive" view of the definitely was a little more on "the world is against me" side than on the happy and blessed side.  But as I remember (again, I caution about this practice) AND as people have remembered me, I was playful and fun to hang out with as well as encouraging and filled with laughter.  To me, those moments were few and far between...I was lacking in the happiness department and if I had known what I know now, I would see that I was choosing not to receive and enjoy my own joy and happiness that I was already sharing.

But enough about my did things change?  How did I move from an unsupported to a supported view?  How did I become more energized and vibrant?  I will share the journey, but will use the words I heard shared by Michael Beckwith years ago on my birthday and quoted by Bob Proctor...

"1. It is what it is. Accept it. You cannot change it. It will either control you or, you will control it.
2. Harvest the Good. The more you look for it, the more you'll find.
3. Forgive all of the rest. Forgive means to let go of completely, abandon."

1. Accept what is

Now, keeping in mind...the goal is to move into being more supportive, happy, etc.  The "BEST" part about my health and life experience was that there were many diagnoses and none.  That there were many prescriptions tried, and none that worked.  And that in the end, I was to decide if I could live with it.  Could I live?  Would I live? How would I live with it?  Would I choose to allow it to confirm my miserable, unsupported view of the world or would I just accept it?  Would I continue to dig and dig and dig for and answer and worry about it or would I take a BREAK and just live for a bit??  I accepted it before, so why couldn't I, wouldn't I accept it now?  I would also like to add that this is the view from where I am now, but in the moment I said "!@#$% it!!" ( I will just simplify and go day by day cuz it's all BS and at some point it's got to get better right??)  I became less social, I focused on just work and school for the most part, and I stepped back and observed...I was still out and, travelling, etc., but essentially, I took a vacation from my full-frontal attack and defense of and against the world and chilled a bit.  MAN, did doors fly open then!  I lived a life in those few years that I still marvel at and enjoy.  In it, I found like-minded people that were doing AMAZING things in their lives (like-minded as and this world SUCKS a LOT of the time, but while I am here, I am going to enjoy a piece of it...and amazing as in...musical artists, famous individuals, world athletes, executives, etc.) AND wanted to share in my company...crazy stuff!  Loved it!  AND I was confirmed that I do have something to bring to the table WITHIN all the mire, junk, stress, drama, etc. in my life.  Some of these people had DRAMAAAAA.....WOW!  And here I thought I was one of the few that just couldn't get it right.  They were living complicated lives, but they were STILL ABLE to put something out on the table of the world for others to benefit from and to be able to share with others.  And the one thing that stood out about me...well, was that they felt they could open WIDE up and share about themselves...without judgement or backlash.  I think it was that I could listen and respond accordingly and then FORGET LOL (LOL I kept the best secrets...).  I can still remember sitting there and I can't make out most of the conversation in my head hahaha...

2. Look for the good...

After the "high" from those few years I struggled...I saw that I had value!  Not that I necessarily knew what to do with my life (I had some idea of the direction I was heading...I was studying to be a teacher..) But all the while in my head I still had voices telling me how I wasn't...(fill in the blank).  Reminding me of all the words that people said to crush my spirit and playing them over and over again...I didn't finish my after-degree program, I had been kicked out and was living with friend going through a lot of stuff...the landlord wouldn't talk to me or deal with me job cut my hours, energy prices rose 200% when I moved out, the furnace broke down, I was pining away after love lost....ARGH!!!  I felt that I was back in the plight and strife of the world coming against me.  Where was the good in this?

Well, there was a lot...they were just not mentioned.  It's funny that way, isn't?  We will share all the negatives and stack them one on top of the other...higher and higher.  This teetering tower of trouble wobbling over our heads...threatening to fall at any given moment and all the while there are still good things happening in our lives.  I was independent.  I came and went as I pleased.  AND I also invited friends over to my parents home.  Some from out of town that stayed over night (really??  In truth, it was time for me to leave and get my own place).  I was coming to the end of my second degree.  Either way, my agreement to stay at home while I studied was coming to an end as well.   I could have looked for another job...and I was, but I got no replies...that did suck LOL.  But if I hadn't stayed on there, I may not have been with my husband now (who I met through work).   And if I hadn't broken up with my boyfriend that year, the joy that is in my life now would be different...I would not exchange it for anything!!  My beautiful children and handsome hubby...amazing!!  Now, I didn't point out all the good that was happening in and around all that was bad, I first turned what was "bad" in my perspective into good.

But what was the good?  While I was struggling in my studies I took a psychological testing to see if it was "my head" that may be the cause of my poor performance.  I was confirmed of 2 things through that test....I had way too much stress and drama in my life without any support system (emotional) AND that I am in the high percentage of intelligence and I can figure most academic processes out with ease (in an optimal setting).  They also said, based on this and being diagnosed (finally) with Grave's Disease (the brain fog and sleep crashes along with my hair falling out in patches got put together :) ) that I could go back and appeal courses and results even from my last degree if I wanted to.  I also travelled and was wined and dined.  It was another strangely warm winter (no snow) and sunny and sensational summer..I ate at many beautiful restaurants with some of the best foods with a foodie friend of mine that just wanted company.  I continued to meet people (even some of the ones from before) and hang out with them sharing in deep conversations.  And to top it all of, my relationship transition allowed me to be available (in a twisted way) for one of the best and beautiful relationships I have in my life (as we are now married and have been together for 14 years).

3. Forgive the Rest...

No greater gift is given to us than to choose...Choose to be grateful as we navigate through the dramas and traumas in life.  Choose to keep moving forward, even when our load seems so heavy that we can't move on.  Choose to see the good, the good that is obvious and the good within what seems bad.  And to choose to forgive.  Forgive others and especially forgive ourselves.  Why especially forgive ourselves?  I have to apologize to my younger self for doing many of the things in life that I said I didn't want to do.  If I was to decide to put myself in the position of being as my "mom", would I have wanted my "daughter" (me) to go through half the things I experienced?  The natural answer is no.  And so I asked myself for forgiveness.  I chose the experiences, I held the perspective, I took a long time to fully appreciate who it is that I am.  And it never ends...I also forgave those in my life that did me harm with intention and that I felt had harmed me (again, it's perspective and how we choose to see it).  I also asked God for forgiveness and through study and choosing repentance and to become a Christian, I find that I am actively held to holding this perspective of letting go and letting God. (God's viewpoint is bigger and purer than my own...and I allow this to serve to my full support in this world...HUGE right??  Why not go BIG if you want unconditional and limitless love and support!!...they said I needed it ;) And truly, we all want and need to be seen in this amazing and unconditional way )  Allowing grace, love, and joy to FLOW through our lives unblocked and unhindered is SO amazing.  And the blocks will come...and the hindrances will arise...and our perspectives may not always line up to allow the flow to occur.  Remembering to line up FIRST with grace and love and joy as best we can and oddly enough, the act of forgiveness keeps the flow running.  Keeps things lined up...turns our perspective in a way that is beneficial, beautiful and awe inspiring.

And I forgave...myself and those that called me names and saw me as less than I was (but that was where their perspectives were at), myself for not eating right for my needs and listening to my body (LOL my body speaks loud), and many keeps you moving forward.  Helps you to release and drop the burden and move forward with lightness.  Feeling lighter made me feel I could more faster


And it's funny how all this helps to "give" me energy each and every day.  I believe if we don't divide the focus of our energy by putting it where it is no longer effective or serves us (our past and unsupportive perspectives OR into unhealthy fear of what is to come and the unknown), but keep it with us (our attention and focus in the present moment) as "whole" in the day that we are are in, then we become more energized and effective in our lives. There are other ways as well to be more energized (physically, emotionally, and mentally), but you have to own it and allow it to flow through YOUR life first before you can "manage" its direction...knowing ultimately that it is you that has the choice to connect to limitless energy and then choose to have it flow in your life in a beneficial way for you and those around you.