Building up to another level of seeing myself and others. Going beyond the betrayal

 Good morning!

This a bit later, but it comes on the back of digging deep and also diving in...to providing perspective, but in all of it one word stands out.

Betrayal.

If this word sits heavy for you, then know, I am there with you. Sorrow still sits heavy in the remembrance and ignorance that is still present in the moments of betrayal that I have been refined through.

I expected love. I expected acceptance. I expected kindness. I expected smiles and welcoming arms. I expected support in tough times. I expected those around me not to treat me as an outsider. I expected those who were my friends yesterday to not turn their backs to me when others were shouting accusations at me and they stood their as though on the other side. At a very early age, it was "clear" for me that there were few places I could call safe and feel the comfort of refuge and safety. And even today, my own sons witness countless moments where, not so much betrayal, but preconceived notions about what we can bring to the table gets in the way of what and who we actually are. And it still feels like betrayal. Why? Because when we go out into the world, we choose to love others. It feels natural to go out joyfully and greet others with a smile and a hello. And for some, that sting or the shrinking back may have taken its toll on us over the years. How it has manifested in the lives of those around us all is varied. We really don't know what coping mechanisms came forth to "defend" us in the hurt. What ideals that we allowed to influence our judgment and perceptions. But I can honestly say, that I know I am not alone.

I have spent much time choosing to shift the narrative and perspective into one that encompasses more of what it would look like and feel like in a space of unity and recognition instead of divisiveness that cuts us off from the gift of truly experiencing the wonder within each and every one of us...

We ARE diverse and multi-faceted. We ARE willing and able. We ARE joyful, valuable, and contributing. We are intelligent, insightful, and wise. Who is "we"? We as a family. "We" as the individuals that make up the family.

And the picture, viewpoint and family is even bigger than that.

So the question I pose to myself (and you too) is....Am I willing to see a bigger picture and use a more unifying (not homogenizing) language in order to build up those around me as well as myself to another level of seeing myself and others? Am I willing to allow the gift of the perspective of another to broaden my own? Am I willing to be naturally kind, loving, welcoming and enthusiastic when in the grace of the presence of another? DO I celebrate them? Those are the thoughts and questions that light ME up and soothe my soul even when betrayal is possible. It makes my heart soften and my gratitude grow.

#thankyouGod #divinegifts #oneanotherlove #betrayal #harvestthegood #noSpiritualBypassing #ISEEyou #inWHOLE #youAREvaluable #humanity #kindness #Lovefirst #biggerpicture

What does the process of considering death do for changing your life.

What does the process of considering death do for changing your life.

This is me, one on the other side of death. We call it “this” side, although I have had many close calls after.

After nearly losing all my blood and hearing a flat line buzz, and watching my hubby and my body from a different angle, I knew there was more to what I was seeing. Before that moment was a series of events that led to a prayer surrendered in a possibility only God could provide...being “here” to watch my boys grow into amazing men. It was a bold prayer to pray when you are strapped down to a table as though on a cross and still gushing…

But my main focus is, in that moment, as I considered my death and having been surrendered into its’ possibility, I also jogged through what the possibility of 'life renewed' would be. I saw all the joy and laughter. Sunshine smiles and moments, and late night cuddles and kisses. I saw men excited to be achieving milestones in life. I saw gratitude overflowing. I saw freely expressed emotions and the mastery of self celebrated. I saw fulfillment. I saw sharing growth and vitality. I saw being free to express and move and travel and connect. 

And I was excited for them both. I still sit here “okay” with possibilities unfolding with wonder. I always seem to start with the joyful and loving possibility. 

It was my “second chance” when I woke up IN my body and saw I was enveloped in warm “bubble wrap” with machines beeping and going off and people hustling about. I was grateful for being moved from a shared and super fragrant room into a private room...my post op experience was terrible, but I was here. I was so glad to be out of that place, and glad to be in this moment at the same time. I was in such pain and filled with tears of gratitude to be in the moment and future I prayed for. And every morning when I woke, I would gasp and suck in that air with such panic and elated gratitude at the same time, saying “Thank you Lord!” No matter how it came, the experiences I had, good or bad, I would embrace them as a part of the bigger vision, of “getting” the gift of PRESENCE in the life of my two boys. 

So now, as I sit here in contemplation of near-future moments, I am reminded of the prayer I prayed, and the vision I had and how small all this seems in comparison of the unfolding of beautiful possibilities being laid out, and for us to all grow into our next level, our “second chance.”

What is the dream and vision you hold onto, on the other side of the possibility of death? It sounds morbid, but in reality, we are faced with our choice in living and existing each day. HOW will I choose to live out this new day I am graced to wake up in?

One breath at a time. One moment at a time. Mine for today is a date...with the One who was there when my arms and feet were stretched out in a vacant room. All alone, in the moments before I went under. That Presence that still is with me now. It’s our time this morning. No major gasping for air, just deep and conscious breaths of gratitude. And then from there, I get to sit in enjoyment and dream. Imagining my next "sunny" moments of possibility and laying them before God...in conversation and in prayer. And then living out each moment as it follows. Each imperfect, painful and elated, disappointing and stretched in growth, each lovely moment that we "get" to call our Life and Journey.

How will you imagine your "second chance"?

Summiting Prairie mountain

Last year this time...summited a mountain in the Rockies. Beautiful and warm day. We went at our own pace and enjoyed the journey. Sometimes, with a little prep, you can show up in the way that best suits the task at hand.

#lifetothefull #outdoors #outinnature #trailrunning #hiking #family #afrohair

 

Dive in to considering the "awesomeness" of my Divine relationship

 Good morning! Today for me is a super "non"-linear day 

 

Because, when I dive in to considering the "awesomeness" of my Divine relationship and we have a "date", the possibilities are endless. I lay it all out on the table for discussion (which I started last night in a heart-wrenching prayer), and this morning, it was like "Hey, I got these 'places' I wanna show you....are you in?" And I was like "Oh yeah!!!...I could use a trip right about now! "

So I thought I would just jump in and say....today is a GOOD day to allow for some FULLNESS of joy, laughter, and awe-inspiring views  We get the gift of experiencing with our senses in ways that we haven't even imagined yet....and it's okay if it's not familiar, because it is not more than you can handle. We are all SAFE to be IN joy 

Off to enjoy this "ride" today  

#thankyouGod #SHOTGUN #AweandWonder #LetsExplore #toInfinityandBeyond #JOYride #LoveFirst #letsDOthis #lifetothefull

Shamelessly! Keep on asking!

 Hey! Can I use your phone? I just wanna look something up...

4 or more different ways of asking from one brother to another reminded me of this...

"...I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need."

Shameless Audacity people! NOTHING wrong with asking

WOW! Today is a RELEASE day!

 Good morning!

WOW! Today is a RELEASE day!

Yesterday I was sharing with OUR boys about some of my childhood experiences. I was chiming in about not taking crappy behaviour from someone else and knowing the space you stand in.....how I was often told to "shut up" and "get lost"....or that I am "weird" and "too deep"...and "no one is going to date you dressed like that." .....That I am "crazy" and a "liar"...

Can you guess what my response was to most of it?

Frustration. Most of the time, I didn't even need to say a word and insults would start flying my way. I just had to walk into the room. It was already someone's decision on what they would "expect" from me and then the spew-age would flow from their mouths. Often I would respond, "okay" and just leave it there. Sometimes it was right, so why argue. Most times they insisted on being right and I learned, why argue.

Did it build in me a hard heart or an attitude? Maybe. I can recall my former viewpoint of humanity and....I can also remember being celebrated for my EXISTENCE by my Mama and Papa I especially loved the sadness and heartbreak of my Mama...looking days and even weeks out, knowing we would not be in each other's presence. She was such an overthinker, often the pessimist, and ALWAYS sooooo good at cherishing me And Papa, he was playful and light hearted. WOW! Cheezies, and ginger candies, and mint candies always would be in his pocket ready to share with us.

You see, today...I LAUGH!! I laugh at the amazing DEPTHS of contrast that I was gifted within my life. I am crying from the DEPTHS of my heart and soul, cherishing deeply as my Mama cherished me. And sitting in the gift of KNOWING, through all my experiences, exactly what the good that I choose to live now FEELS like. I am so thankful to my Mama for sharing EXACTLY where her thoughts were and how she was feeling. It was so raw and revealed. So open-hearted.

I know....that there are MANY, many people who do not allow themselves to connect into the resonance of the GOOD in their life because "feeling" and "emotion" was vilified and distorted in meaning to the point that to "go there" would be wrong. But where does discernment truly get to show up if rational rules that were taught to us have disconnected us from the "wisdom" we personally gain from going through the thing and experiencing the lessons, gifts, and "signposts" along the way....?

I used to rationalize humanity and "it's" presence. To a point where sometimes it made me seem as though I was very cold and calculated on the outside. Very scientific...very mathematical. But it wasn't until I truly ALLOWED the fullness and wholeness of humanity to hit me (it's a "crazy" story, that's for sure ) that all of who I am and the gift of it (including the crap ) brought me through to seeing, being, "feeling" and experiencing more beyond what I thought I could imagine.

I still apply scientific and mathematical thinking to humanity, but from such a different viewpoint that it often leaves me in awe and wonder. How AMAZING we all are, even when we think that seeing others "small" serves us in any way.

Can you....allow yourself....to SEE into your frustration and look for that true gem of love, compassion.....can you look into your sadness and be okay with loving your family and others so deeply that you could cry from the ecstasy....can we sit with the uneasiness of "closeness" to allow yourself to know that deep "intimate" appreciation for others is not isolated to a few around you....that you can actually CARE and connect with people on a deep soul level that they become a part of you in a way that is often uncomfortable and feels "weird".....

Let's look deep today people...our souls are crying out to be seen today

#thankyouGod #depthofsoul #Lovefirst #thankyouPapaandMama #IAMLove #LIFEtotheFull #ALLofit #BE #WeCan #weARE #oneanotherlove #2020vision #Sawubona

Mothers day 2020

 As this day wraps up and I lay cuddled next to my boys who fell asleep after prayer time, I'm reminded of the moments I "held" my other children in grief as they passed on....I'm reminded of moments where my "childless" self supported friends and peers and heard them say "Thank you mama"...I'm reminded about that being my nickname in High school ...I'm reminded of conversations with my own mother after she took time witnessing me as a parent to our boys...

For me, I came from having decided as a 5 year old child the nurturing energy I would share with others. I learned to hold others in celebration , unconditional love, and presence and still enjoy the gift today.

But what I learned from my mom is to fight to be the woman I want to be when no one else is looking. When you have to choose to still be here standing with your head high when others try to hold you down....that for some women, the journey is not easy, especially if what others see is no comparison to all the wonder, strength, intelligence, and power that lies within. And, that you get the "gift" (or burden) of that knowing and you have to choose in each moment whether or not to show up in it.

I learned from my mom that I am more than one. And through all my children, I get the gift of sharing in more of who I am.

Happy Mother's day to you all in knowing that a mother somewhere has helped to shape you into the being you are today.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere... do you SEE justice?

 This one is for us all ...wanting your "freedom" while other are "denied" theirs in this system means....

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly."

....it's been "allowed" for centuries. What mindset will it take to unravel it?

#foodforthought #thisisabigonefolks #standfirm #Lovefirst

Observe being IN this day

 Good morning!

It's sunny outside today For a lot of people I know, this is an extreme mood booster! Why not?!? It feels good to see the brightness stream in and feel the warmth of the sun on your skin

But what if I got real "deep" in saying that....the sun is ALWAYS radiating it's heat and light in our lives. And by and through and with....whatever phrasing you want to put to the "action" of the sun simply by its presence....it influences the clouds that form and are a part of our cloudy days. It influences the amount of moisture that gathers in those clouds and fall on your "rainy" days. It influences the glow we enjoy at night from the moon (It's a FULL MOON today/tonight . It influences our weather and "seasons". It influences even what we call night and day. It is ever-present in our lives.

No matter what we are experiencing from that which is listed, the sun plays a part in it. We get the gifts of going through different states of being, different circumstances, different perspectives, different responses, and different moods all within a 24-hour span. Each and every day is filled with "different", yet there is "something" that remains the same.

Today, the "something" I am focusing in on is my "core being" and my "neutral" head space. I am here! I get to observe being IN this day, no matter what shows up....and I get to participate in it AND even...influence my experience of it.

It's a consistent and constant practice of calibrating that balance for myself. I can't think that we as humans have ever been without balancing ourselves. Would that make it a part of our living process? I see so many strengthened through the embracing of ALL in their lives. Knowing what "good" and "free" and "light" look/feel/move is like and, recognizing it, even when things feel "cloudy" or "extra" or "low" or "dark" and knowing that my "core" is still there. I am ....as long as I am aware of me being in a new day, then my core is present in all weather/seasons/day or night... and even on a sunny day like today

I think we can choose to accept, be with, move through, and even learn from our various states of being and experiences, and keep adapting our way back to balance. Even from super sunny days and great moments, we can find our way back to a peaceful hum and enjoy it

Now to get dressed and ready to be out in the sun

#thankyouGod #Sunnydays #cloudydays #gladwehavetheSun #DivineInfluence #asLongasitsCalledToday #BeEncouraged #divineGifts #YouAre #IAm #WeAre #greaterstill #biggerpicture #partoflife #LifetotheFull