A reflection on my dad and “happy”

 Good morning!

LOL there are just words swimming in my head....and then in the background of the "clutter", a soft voice says...'describe the pain.'

I used to feel like I was being wrapped up in a blanket full of thorns. "Why can't I have just ONE happy day!?!?!" Yes, my days would never be one in the same...there was never ever two that looked alike....like prickly, stabbing snowflakes they fell. Many nights I would just be crying to myself. My heart was heavy and very alone. My flesh felt like it was being ripped off with coarse sandpaper from the statements, judgments, and disconnection I experienced daily....the rawness of what was built from those experiences still lives on today. There was a big part of me that longed for this perfect picture that would never come....and because "perfect" was never satisfied, I ultimately would NOT get the "Happy" I was looking for...from where I was hoping it would eventually be.

And in all that there was one....who shared how to find "Happy" even though they were being bashed, judged, maligned, and scoffed at along side me. They showed me how to sneak off, take a deep breath, and then resume my OWN personal company with "happy" and "joy" sitting at the table. They showed me how to enjoy even the simplest of things....like smoothing out paste and the sound your hands make when they have been in water too long from washing things. A childlike joy that could never be taken away as long as you could just allow yourself the space to be in that moment. How as much as they wanted to blame others for their prickly discomfort and feelings of loneliness, they would sigh through the sadness and anger and tears, and then find that space to shift focus and enjoy the mastery in the miracle within the small and ordinary. Attention to detail and gratitude for wholehearted mastery that could flow through their fingers and hands. Such a DEEP resonance of love that was shared with me that saved me from the thorns....

Today, I am grateful....that I do not break from the slightest breeze (although I never have)... or react out of disappointment and conclude the judgments against me as true (even though I would get mad and angry, I used the 'sigh through sadness' to bring back to that "me" space). I can remember that I tried to blame others and circumstances as to WHY I couldn't get my "happy" ....it was hard to be grounded and rooted when you are constantly being "dug up". But I kept going for more and more "space" so that I could get more time to really get around to being "me". And in that I could see, that happy is where happiness is ALLOWED. And in the circumstances that didn't feel happy, happiness was just not "happening"!! It wasn't allowed or invited to the table....and I wanted to be in its company, so I had to go to where "it" was welcome....within me....within the nurturing relationships in my life...

Who or what are you WELCOMING to sit at YOUR table? When things don't go 'your" way, do you open the door when 'misery', 'despair', and 'judgment" knocks? Or do you have an "open door" policy for Love, and Joy, and Happy to show up?

So I say...."Welcome!! Come on in! It's a bit messy but we are not here to judge. There is tea in the cupboard, and water in the kettle. There's fresh snacks in the fridge...and Love abounds here "

#thankyouGod #circleofinfluence #chooseyourResponse #oneanotherlove #Lovefirst #Welcome #makespace #bringaSmile #grateful