Narcolepsy....yeah, that was a good one to start with. "Falling asleep" anywhere and in any moment. I "fell asleep" once while on my bike!! When I woke up, I was still riding it...and hadn't hit anything for about a block!! THAT I think for me was when it began...
You see, I loved sleep. I would choose sleep all the time...naps everywhere...I would choose it over food...and at one point, I had even slept for days not wanting to get up. As I look back on it (careful with this practice ;) ), it was my happy place...and Jamaica too. I loved Jamaica for so many reasons...I still do :). But back to sleep...my sleep pattern and time is still quite the same....I wake up early and go to bed early. I was glad for the expression "Early to bed, early to rise..." But when this situation kept coming up...sleeping in the middle of conversations and activities, then it changed.
Not that I didn't notice that I had health challenges before, but they seemed to be simple concerns to me and if my doctor couldn't help, then OH WELL! But I was sick, AND tired. I missed classes and deadlines, and I just felt pain on a consistent basis. Migraines, back pains, body aches, sensitivities and growing allergies...at one point it felt like I had the flu for AGES! They checked for meningitis, etc...nothing. But it was after that moment on the bike that I started looking at all of them as possibly connected and deciding to find a way to fix it...it gave me a sense of relief, but also a new way to look at the world I was processing
I also had an "unsupportive" view of the world...it definitely was a little more on "the world is against me" side than on the happy and blessed side. But as I remember (again, I caution about this practice) AND as people have remembered me, I was playful and fun to hang out with as well as encouraging and filled with laughter. To me, those moments were few and far between...I was lacking in the happiness department and if I had known what I know now, I would see that I was choosing not to receive and enjoy my own joy and happiness that I was already sharing.
But enough about my story...how did things change? How did I move from an unsupported to a supported view? How did I become more energized and vibrant? I will share the journey, but will use the words I heard shared by Michael Beckwith years ago on my birthday and quoted by Bob Proctor...
"1. It is what it is. Accept it. You cannot change it. It will either control you or, you will control it.
2. Harvest the Good. The more you look for it, the more you'll find.
3. Forgive all of the rest. Forgive means to let go of completely, abandon."
1. Accept what is
Now, keeping in mind...the goal is to move into being more supportive, happy, etc. The "BEST" part about my health and life experience was that there were many diagnoses and none. That there were many prescriptions tried, and none that worked. And that in the end, I was to decide if I could live with it. Could I live? Would I live? How would I live with it? Would I choose to allow it to confirm my miserable, unsupported view of the world or would I just accept it? Would I continue to dig and dig and dig for and answer and worry about it or would I take a BREAK and just live for a bit?? I accepted it before, so why couldn't I, wouldn't I accept it now? I would also like to add that this is the view from where I am now, but in the moment I said "!@#$% it!!" ( I will just simplify and go day by day cuz it's all BS and at some point it's got to get better right??) I became less social, I focused on just work and school for the most part, and I stepped back and observed...I was still out and about...dating, travelling, etc., but essentially, I took a vacation from my full-frontal attack and defense of and against the world and chilled a bit. MAN, did doors fly open then! I lived a life in those few years that I still marvel at and enjoy. In it, I found like-minded people that were doing AMAZING things in their lives (like-minded as in...life and this world SUCKS a LOT of the time, but while I am here, I am going to enjoy a piece of it...and amazing as in...musical artists, famous individuals, world athletes, executives, etc.) AND wanted to share in my company...crazy stuff! Loved it! AND I was confirmed that I do have something to bring to the table WITHIN all the mire, junk, stress, drama, etc. in my life. Some of these people had DRAMAAAAA.....WOW! And here I thought I was one of the few that just couldn't get it right. They were living complicated lives, but they were STILL ABLE to put something out on the table of the world for others to benefit from and to be able to share with others. And the one thing that stood out about me...well, was that they felt they could open WIDE up and share about themselves...without judgement or backlash. I think it was that I could listen and respond accordingly and then FORGET LOL (LOL I kept the best secrets...). I can still remember sitting there and I can't make out most of the conversation in my head hahaha...
2. Look for the good...
After the "high" from those few years I struggled...I saw that I had value! Not that I necessarily knew what to do with my life (I had some idea of the direction I was heading...I was studying to be a teacher..) But all the while in my head I still had voices telling me how I wasn't...(fill in the blank). Reminding me of all the words that people said to crush my spirit and playing them over and over again...I didn't finish my after-degree program, I had been kicked out and was living with friend going through a lot of stuff...the landlord wouldn't talk to me or deal with me directly...my job cut my hours, energy prices rose 200% when I moved out, the furnace broke down, I was pining away after love lost....ARGH!!! I felt that I was back in the plight and strife of the world coming against me. Where was the good in this?
Well, there was a lot...they were just not mentioned. It's funny that way, isn't? We will share all the negatives and stack them one on top of the other...higher and higher. This teetering tower of trouble wobbling over our heads...threatening to fall at any given moment and all the while there are still good things happening in our lives. I was independent. I came and went as I pleased. AND I also invited friends over to my parents home. Some from out of town that stayed over night (really?? In truth, it was time for me to leave and get my own place). I was coming to the end of my second degree. Either way, my agreement to stay at home while I studied was coming to an end as well. I could have looked for another job...and I was, but I got no replies...that did suck LOL. But if I hadn't stayed on there, I may not have been with my husband now (who I met through work). And if I hadn't broken up with my boyfriend that year, the joy that is in my life now would be different...I would not exchange it for anything!! My beautiful children and handsome hubby...amazing!! Now, I didn't point out all the good that was happening in and around all that was bad, I first turned what was "bad" in my perspective into good.
But what was the good? While I was struggling in my studies I took a psychological testing to see if it was "my head" that may be the cause of my poor performance. I was confirmed of 2 things through that test....I had way too much stress and drama in my life without any support system (emotional) AND that I am in the high percentage of intelligence and I can figure most academic processes out with ease (in an optimal setting). They also said, based on this and being diagnosed (finally) with Grave's Disease (the brain fog and sleep crashes along with my hair falling out in patches got put together :) ) that I could go back and appeal courses and results even from my last degree if I wanted to. I also travelled and was wined and dined. It was another strangely warm winter (no snow) and sunny and sensational summer..I ate at many beautiful restaurants with some of the best foods with a foodie friend of mine that just wanted company. I continued to meet people (even some of the ones from before) and hang out with them sharing in deep conversations. And to top it all of, my relationship transition allowed me to be available (in a twisted way) for one of the best and beautiful relationships I have in my life (as we are now married and have been together for 14 years).
3. Forgive the Rest...
No greater gift is given to us than to choose...Choose to be grateful as we navigate through the dramas and traumas in life. Choose to keep moving forward, even when our load seems so heavy that we can't move on. Choose to see the good, the good that is obvious and the good within what seems bad. And to choose to forgive. Forgive others and especially forgive ourselves. Why especially forgive ourselves? I have to apologize to my younger self for doing many of the things in life that I said I didn't want to do. If I was to decide to put myself in the position of being as my "mom", would I have wanted my "daughter" (me) to go through half the things I experienced? The natural answer is no. And so I asked myself for forgiveness. I chose the experiences, I held the perspective, I took a long time to fully appreciate who it is that I am. And it never ends...I also forgave those in my life that did me harm with intention and that I felt had harmed me (again, it's perspective and how we choose to see it). I also asked God for forgiveness and through study and choosing repentance and to become a Christian, I find that I am actively held to holding this perspective of letting go and letting God. (God's viewpoint is bigger and purer than my own...and I allow this to serve to my full support in this world...HUGE right?? Why not go BIG if you want unconditional and limitless love and support!!...they said I needed it ;) And truly, we all want and need to be seen in this amazing and unconditional way ) Allowing grace, love, and joy to FLOW through our lives unblocked and unhindered is SO amazing. And the blocks will come...and the hindrances will arise...and our perspectives may not always line up to allow the flow to occur. Remembering to line up FIRST with grace and love and joy as best we can and oddly enough, the act of forgiveness keeps the flow running. Keeps things lined up...turns our perspective in a way that is beneficial, beautiful and awe inspiring.And I forgave...myself and those that called me names and saw me as less than I was (but that was where their perspectives were at), myself for not eating right for my needs and listening to my body (LOL my body speaks loud), and many more...it keeps you moving forward. Helps you to release and drop the burden and move forward with lightness. Feeling lighter made me feel I could more faster
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