The greatest light

"The greatest light is hidden in the darkness"....

Some of what I am about to share may be quite in an ambiguous state that it may not make sense...just keep reading though...

To even share from my life...LOL the thought of it brings me to tears...not only for its content, but for the fact that noone has really heard it all and the ones who know and have heard and listened to it most completely, are my very own children.

What do you say when you have realized that you carry the burden of a family legacy...?

Hi, my name is Elisa and I was diagnosed with clinical depression over 20 years ago.  Not the kind that deals with a mismanagement of thoughts and emotions...or stems from not being trained in the coping skills that help you to manage stress and can be treated through therapy and counselling...but one that stems from a history of mental illness combine with metabolic markers that cause imbalances in the body. When my dear doctor friend shared this with me I laughed inside and out.  Not only was I a teenager going into University at the time, but I also knew...this would be quite the challenge to face and manage for a lifetime.  The good news, it explained all the inexplicable that we had been trying to explain with my health.  Stress from school and sports, and family life, and peer pressures was simply not enough....the multiple prescriptions that we looked into but ruled out due to their matching symptoms and my sensitivity to chemicals and....ARRRRRGGHHH! LOL....that expression you just read sums it all up.  That's how it feels...no matter how much you understand about it, no matter how much support you get (LOL, and no I don't have that kind of support in my life...but at least I had some), no matter, no matter, no matter....sometimes some things are just a part of who you are...for a reason greater than yourself.  And no, I didn't think about it that way at the time, but what I did think and know at the time was this...

...that those who did understand me, and could relate to me, were often in a much darker place than me...LOL with more support and willing hearts to help.  Some of them could not see past the darkness no matter how much they tried and a few of them died in their wandering...

...but even then I was gifted to realize that I (me as a being) wasn't the depression...it was something I would pass through from time to time...some were short and some were...much longer...and it's not that I wanted to keep it to myself...I did seek counselling and life was ironic enough to give the strange opportunity to see that counsellors need counselling too. (haha...I didn't continue with those sessions after that point )

...I went to that place...that dark space within and I asked for silence...well, I had to keep interrupting the constant talker that is a terrible listener and doesn't know when to shhhhhh!....but yes, over time the chatter got less and less and less....and the conversation and tone shifted and at that point, I received the silence...and I try and go there as often as possible...into the dark and silent (not the dark and brooding).  And in that space is where I connect to the Greatest light.  It fills me up from the inside out and beyond... and when I open my eyes and things take form again, it amazes me how my view has shifted.  Same stuff!  Same mess!  Same piles, but different.

Sometimes we just need to remember...to go there.  Things feel heavy?  Lighten up the load...one thing at a time...celebrate the progress...recognize the process. Things feel hopeless? What are you personally hopeful for?  Sometimes we forget....I know I do.

Even today, I share in experiences in my relationships that use depression as a tool of compassion...a way to help others to move forward and through....but it hasn't absolved me from the experience itself.  I still have and experience metabolic imbalances and along with the traditional emotional "soup" that I have to spoon through...but when those moments happen...I allow...I allow the part of me that knows it is not defined by depression to observe and be patient...it is a slow burn of keeping the light going even when it seems extra dark....

...and I remember, that nothing is ever really hidden....we just choose what we see...

" “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!" ~ Matthew 6:22-23

Your #perspective IS that important.  We choose how we will see... #loveandlight