What we do not see is bigger than what we think we are seeing

I am grateful today.  And yes, everyday I experience gratitude.  It is the attitude that I choose to be in and it brings me peace...connecting me to Upmost compassion, especially when there are aspects of my journey that I find challenging.

I experience, in this life I am living, what is referred to as Invisible Illness.  Not just one, but more than one.  I know that many will never understand what it is to go through such a thing, and for that they can be and should be grateful.

A typical day for me....I wake up and head for a glass of water.....I know that my body has been hard at work, because the way in which I felt as I fell asleep or "passed out" is not the way that my body feels as I wake in the morning.  I know that there has been repair, healing, and recovery, because most every night I go to bed in physical pain.  I then connect with gratitude in prayer...glad to be awake another day.  After that, it turns into a flurry of chores and getting my family ready for the day and then out the door I go.  I head out to work, exposed on various levels to chemicals and "fragrances" that cause me a variety of pain and stress.  I have been coping knowingly with managing how I deal with this exposure for just over 10 years. This is what the management tends to look like.... I reduce how deeply I breath, breath through my shirt or a scarf (and now a mask), reduce how much I choose to speak, start pacing and moving, position myself "downwind" the source of the "smell" or trigger, drink water, and find myself to a fresh air source as quickly as possible.  This has improved my ability to listen, has grown my compassion for others, has increased my observation of others, and...through coping for my benefit, has also brought about a huge level of backlash.  It's funny that the backlash and personal attacks seem more draining than the temporary exposure to chemicals and toxins themselves.  At the end of the day I feel so drained, that most times I will crash on the couch as soon as I get home.  If I am not so drained, I will go through a process of removing all my street clothes, wipe down, get into my PJs, chugging some water with some form of detox supplement or practice (magnesium, zinc, spirulina or chlorella, etc) and then grab my boys and cuddle and kiss and pray and then drift off into sleep.

I have returned to working in the work force in a public setting just over a year ago....and before that, I was home with my children.  Each week before I had returned to a "conventional" workplace, I would expose myself knowingly to a certain level of "fragrance" exposure with the understanding that I had a few days at home in order to heal and recover.  Only a few in my life could fully witness (and accept) the level to which this was an aspect of my life.  Before I, myself, even fully accepted that the reasons I was narcoleptic, with chronic migraines, severe shooting and sharp back and joint pain, inability to walk properly, etc. was due to my constant exposure to the fragrances (synthetic) and chemicals that I had in my home and even wore on a daily basis.  I had so many issues....and no real solutions.  My doctor had tried all that he could and it was written off by various professionals as overwhelming stress.  No prescriptions would work and I was diagnosed as clinically depressed with environmentally triggered asthma and allergies as well as with arthritis and Graves disease.  Now however, in those processes of being diagnosed, I had discovered that I was unbelievably healthy (my doctors was upset as they were hoping to see something to connect in my tests that would give more of a diagnosis).  Even a naturopath indicated that my body was very efficient at healing itself and that I indeed was hypersensitive to chemicals in the environment.

I spent a LOT of mental time and energy second-guessing this diagnosis and experience.  I would PUSH it, over and over, and over again.....making myself appear as normal in situations, in spite of the pain and struggling, and to find out that no matter how I choose to "ignore" the symptoms they were there.  I believed maybe it was all in my head...maybe I was having a negative emotional response or a bad attitude or heart towards someone or a smell....there has GOT to be a reason that I am not "normal" like everyone else....why am I NOT like everyone else?  How come I am this rare and unfamiliar thing among the masses?  (can you see how these thoughts and questions have a toxicity of themselves?) Well, as it would turn out, I was NOT the only one asking these questions....many, many, many people keep asking this of me....assuming I am a liar with anything I have to say and despite the diagnosis (my doctors were also seen as lying), I am/was a liar.  I am hiding something....and so be it.  THIS, more so than the physical experience, is what brings more grief and pain....and in that, that is where I turned to God's compassion and in that space, I grew in my compassion for those that silently suffer AND became the voice for those that felt shame to share that they are less than "normal" from the masses. 

I have met some BEAUTIFUL people through all of this...those whose hearts overflow with compassion for others...that accommodating for the specific needs of others is an honour for them to share and perform.  Willingly embodying the meaning of hospitality.  Those who have struggled so deeply, beyond what my own experience has been, and that are brilliant and giving to others in great and transformative ways.  And I would have never imagined that the levels to which I experience pain is a lesser portion of what others around me go through ( I would never wish others to experience the pains I have gone through so that they would understand...so that I have a level of understanding of the pain that others go through is a marvel to me...I am in awe of the strength of others).

So why share this now?  Because, I choose to...and while I am still in recovery mode from choosing to be in an annual event a few days ago now where many individuals were scented and I found myself using many of my coping mechanisms, I am still experiencing the burden of it today.  In those moments, I chose to situate myself in areas where I would experience "less" pain and reaction.  And how many around you may be doing that "silently" as well?  You will never know, but know that it is happening as I have discovered along my journey's way.  And in other areas of my life where scent is a concern for me on a more regular basis, I choose to be in those spaces with a level of safety, so I can be more fully present with my energy and attention and to be able to process more clearly.  It is not something I choose to explain or justify....it's not an excuse from one to the other, it's just how I chose to be in those moments in my life.  I would choose to be fully mindful and present in all the situations I approach in my life, but I will admit, some I am chose to attend to more than others.

The thing that I have received the most from all of this is my own compassion for others.  "Compassion is the feeling of empathy for others. Compassion is the emotion that we feel in response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help."  With a profound awareness of the suffering of others through my own painful experiences, I have grown into a person I would have never imagined to be....loving without deep judgements or conditions, desiring to bring peace and love and joy into the lives of others in spite of where they are at, offering true and intended connection with those around me, AND not skulking off into a corner or the darkness when I am experiencing pain, but allowing myself to serve to the joy and connection of others through it.  It would be nice to not have to experience such pain daily, BUT if this is all that I have to experience as physical pain in my life while still being able to bring something of value into the lives of others, then I am, again, grateful, for this great and wonderful gift and how it serves me and others.

Let`s Go Green!

It March 1st and to kick off "Go Green" month the boys and I had a great lunch!

Green smoothies (glowing green actually) and tuna with dijon and fresh chopped parsley on gluten-free "chia chia" bread from Silver Hills.  It was our first time with the bread that we found at Planet Organic at a reasonable price.  My son had been asking for some GF bread and I said I would check for something, but wasn`t paying over $5 for anything.  Honestly, I love(d) bread too and it`s texture, but I am sure we could bake something else that doesn`t have all types of miscellaneous ingredients just for the sake of being "free" of gluten.

With that said, I want to make a vital point that has been on my mind and will pertain to "Go Green" month.  What is meant in our family by "Go Green" is "Back to Basics".  Not consuming processed facsimiles of a food to support an allergy or belief, but to turn to whole, live, supportive foods that don`t come with added preservatives and chemicals.  There is almost nothing easier to prepare than fresh (raw even) fruits and vegetables.  They are my go-to "fast" foods.  And they build you up!  Many of the building blocks we need come from green foods, nuts and seeds, and high nutrient fruits and veggies, so they should be our first go-to foods and the ones we eat in abundance.  Then if you are to choose for meats (or not), try and consume then in the least "processed" manner possible.  For meats, the ideal that I would recommend is organic, free to roam and feed on grass and bugs, etc, and humanely treated sources (this is NOT common BTW, but an organic halal farmer would be good to know ;) ).  Much of my off-the-land experience was you raise your own food with a loving touch (my grandparents) or hunt and fish off the land.  And with other protein sources like nuts and legumes, I recommend soaking and even sprouting for their consumption or use.  Those are my back to basic tips stemmed from eating happy, whole, supportive foods.

The green smoothies I had been making for years and my kids have loved them (they have always helped me to make them and they enjoy them fresh or frozen as pops or cubes), but one recipe I tried a couple years ago has stuck in our house with special thanks to nutritionist, Kimberly Snyder. Not sure how I came across her and her info and recipes, but I am truly grateful for her beautiful influence on our enjoyment on all things green.  Her famed recipe is the Glowing Green Smoothie.  If you THOUGHT that you didn`t like vegetables, especially the green ones, then you MUST try this.  I even find it to be on the "sweet" side (being used to just drinking straight salad), so I put in less fruit.  I like the idea of drinking my veggie portions for the day, especially when they taste like this!  Now ideally, you would drink the GGS to itself and give it some time to absorb before having something else.  I also do the same with water....even spacing (has to do with maximizing the digestive acids in  our belly...and getting the most out of our food).  Kris Carr also has a green juice frequently and spaces her enjoyment of it in the same way (A peek at my plate...more on this later).

This month I will be pulling from all my favourite green food advocates (whole-food, raw, vegetarian, and vegan alike), so stay tuned :).

So Fresh and So Clean - Air Filtering Houseplants

It's a high commodity nowadays.  Fresh and clean air is becoming a limited resource in our lives and society.  We have become less connected to our natural spaces and spend more time indoors or in man-made structures than we do in the great outdoors.

The benefits of clean, unadulterated, fresh air are many from mental clarity, to increased metabolism, to improved immune system....from your nose and through your skin  and all the way down to a cellular level, we need to consider how to BEST oxygenate ourselves for optimal health and life experience.

Starting in March, I plan to go GREEN!  My focus is to bring in the benefits of green (chlorophyll and photosynthetic exchange) into my personal environment...one of which will be some additional houseplants.

Golden pothos or Devil's ivy
(Scindapsus aures or Epipremnum aureum)

Now that our children are older and less interested in eating random plants around the house, it will be a great opportunity to invite more of our green friends in to live with us and help us to enjoy to beneficial exchange resulting in cleaner air and growth for us all.

There is a list of some of the best air-filtering plants that was put together through a NASA clean air study.  These plants help to remove toxic agents from the air that tend to lead to people getting sick, especially in indoor spaces.

Red-edged dracaena (Dracaena marginata)

My mom had all of these plants (and more) in the house when I was growing up.  Honestly, we would play in among the plants as though we were in a jungle!  There were so many of them and it was so much fun.  Not as much fun when she had us cleaning the leaves as a keep-busy task during school breaks, but now I can appreciate it more :) .  She knew that they cleaned the air, and am I ever grateful that I got to grow up in that environment.  Now, more than ever, is the time to create an indoor "jungle" of my own.

Broadleaf Lady Palm (Rhapis excelsa)

My family also had some of these plants planted outside (as decoration) in the tropics and I got to see how they thrived there as well.  Most of them are pretty easy to take care of and even some of the fussy ones will do well if you can get them in the right spot with the right amount of water.  You could always purchase a high quality air cleaner as well, but these add colour and interaction that a machine can't quite offer.

Flamingo Lily (Anthurium andraeanum)

 Also, household plants can contribute to increasing the negative ion balance in your home.  Electronic devices like cell phones, laptops, computers, appliances, televisions, and so much more all produce positive ions into our environment and for the most part, those positive ions will "ground" themselves on the most available and closest source of negative ions....YOU!!  That's right!  And it has been noted that excess positive ions  may be contributing to our fatigue and tiredness....(coffee anyone?!)   SO, again, plants come with another way to make our living environments that much better to enjoy.

Peace Lily (Spathiphyllum 'Mauna Loa')

The list I am referencing is available at Wikipedia that has a nice chart of what the plants filter from the air.  Here are some with images....

Pot Mum (Chrysanthemum morifolium)

 Who knew that these mums that are available in the spring and fall in abundance at almost every place that sells flowers would be one of the best air filters for your home.  I have a few of these perennials (they come back each year) growing in my garden that I planted outside after being in the house as decoration.

Cornstalk dracaena
(Dracaena fragans 'Massangeana')

 LOL, as I child I know that I asked my mom when the corn would grow from this plant.  It was one of my favourites.

Weeping Fig (Ficus benjamina)

 I had one of these while I was studying in University.  His name was Charley.  He was my friend :).  I even painted a still life with Charley as the focal point.

English Ivy (Hedera helix)

 These are very easy to find and common as well.  They are perennial (if you want to plant some outside as well) and avid creepers, so make sure you either have as a hanging plant or you can have fun wrapping it around shapes or mini trellises.

(NOTE to reader!!!  Just so you know, the reason I have NOT had a jungle environment in my home is not due to a lack of trying....I love gardening...outside.  But I have not been the most successful at growing indoor houseplants.  I will admit, I am not the most thoughtful to my houseplants...I like plants I don't have to water much or worry about humidity or lighting, but I am choosing to REPENT of this in order to improve my health and quality of life inside (my house) and out.)

Boston fern (Nephrolepis exaltata "Bostoniensis")

With the above mentioned notice, THIS particular air-cleaning wonder has been a challenge for me to grow.  I think it's mainly due to the fact that we keep our home pretty cool, especially in the winter, and these are tropical plants, preferring higher temperatures.  BUT they are supposed to be low maintenance (like my sons' hair ) and my mom grows these successfully in her home, so its not that hard.  Low light and moderate watering and they take care of themselves for the most part.  Giving this one a go again this year.

Elephant ear philodendron (Philodendron domesticum)

Spider plant (Chlorophytum comosum)

 Love that these plants (in the right place) will produce many little "babies" that you can transplant or share with friends.  The more the merrier :)

Lilyturf or Monkey Grass (Liriope spicata)

 Similar in look to the spider plant and creeps like grass.  I would give this a rectangle pot to spread out in.  Again, grows well enough inside and out and enough to share with friends too.

Snake plant or mother-in-law's tongue
(Sansevieria trifasciata 'Laurentii')

One word to describe these plants...HARDY!  Even though they are tropical plants, these are extremely LOW maintenance, so if you feel that you struggle with the lives of little green friends, this should be your first choice.  Give them enough room and they will grow and grow.  We have had these plants for over a decade (two of them)...moved in all seasons with them.....in it's original pot (I'm transplanting this year...promise!).....travelled and forgot to water... keep our home at cool temperatures...and have stuck them in the most awkward of corners and they are STILL ALIVE!  The kids have even pulled them out of the soil a few times...these are a must in my books (and they don't bite or talk ;) ).