What does the process of considering death do for changing your life.

What does the process of considering death do for changing your life.

This is me, one on the other side of death. We call it “this” side, although I have had many close calls after.

After nearly losing all my blood and hearing a flat line buzz, and watching my hubby and my body from a different angle, I knew there was more to what I was seeing. Before that moment was a series of events that led to a prayer surrendered in a possibility only God could provide...being “here” to watch my boys grow into amazing men. It was a bold prayer to pray when you are strapped down to a table as though on a cross and still gushing…

But my main focus is, in that moment, as I considered my death and having been surrendered into its’ possibility, I also jogged through what the possibility of 'life renewed' would be. I saw all the joy and laughter. Sunshine smiles and moments, and late night cuddles and kisses. I saw men excited to be achieving milestones in life. I saw gratitude overflowing. I saw freely expressed emotions and the mastery of self celebrated. I saw fulfillment. I saw sharing growth and vitality. I saw being free to express and move and travel and connect. 

And I was excited for them both. I still sit here “okay” with possibilities unfolding with wonder. I always seem to start with the joyful and loving possibility. 

It was my “second chance” when I woke up IN my body and saw I was enveloped in warm “bubble wrap” with machines beeping and going off and people hustling about. I was grateful for being moved from a shared and super fragrant room into a private room...my post op experience was terrible, but I was here. I was so glad to be out of that place, and glad to be in this moment at the same time. I was in such pain and filled with tears of gratitude to be in the moment and future I prayed for. And every morning when I woke, I would gasp and suck in that air with such panic and elated gratitude at the same time, saying “Thank you Lord!” No matter how it came, the experiences I had, good or bad, I would embrace them as a part of the bigger vision, of “getting” the gift of PRESENCE in the life of my two boys. 

So now, as I sit here in contemplation of near-future moments, I am reminded of the prayer I prayed, and the vision I had and how small all this seems in comparison of the unfolding of beautiful possibilities being laid out, and for us to all grow into our next level, our “second chance.”

What is the dream and vision you hold onto, on the other side of the possibility of death? It sounds morbid, but in reality, we are faced with our choice in living and existing each day. HOW will I choose to live out this new day I am graced to wake up in?

One breath at a time. One moment at a time. Mine for today is a date...with the One who was there when my arms and feet were stretched out in a vacant room. All alone, in the moments before I went under. That Presence that still is with me now. It’s our time this morning. No major gasping for air, just deep and conscious breaths of gratitude. And then from there, I get to sit in enjoyment and dream. Imagining my next "sunny" moments of possibility and laying them before God...in conversation and in prayer. And then living out each moment as it follows. Each imperfect, painful and elated, disappointing and stretched in growth, each lovely moment that we "get" to call our Life and Journey.

How will you imagine your "second chance"?

Returning to Wholeness

 Good morning!

Wholeness is on my mind this morning. It's actually been my journey this past week. Being honest with myself, looking back down my life's path, and gathering up all the fragments that were "broken" off and putting them back with the rest of "me".

On a global scale, it's about FINALLY ripping of the layers of bandages and stacked up bandaid on top of bandaid that were intended to "fix" systems that were created, instead of going back to the wound or problem and seeing if the applied "solution" actually served to heal the "problem" in the first place.

It was no longer about serving beneficially as much as it became about applying another "fix" to something that wasn't a sustainable solution in the first place.

"Oh no! The stickiness of the bandage is fading! Quick! Apply another!"

It's all being ripped bare right now and we get to honestly look at what needs healing, what has already been fixed, and what didn't need messing with in the first place.

Now, journeying back to our individual experiences....For me, it's been about claiming back my energy by forgiveness of doubt, betrayal, and mockery (as well as allowing myself to become "disempowered"). Releasing the charge back to others, and stepping back into the innocence of the gifts I was giving...back into the creation that was coming through me, and back into the heart that was willing to serve others freely with my God-given talents and skills.

And my next step....to share more fully about MY journey with immunity. From deficiency, suppressed, and compromised, into overactive responses with allergies and hypersensitivities....as well as multiple autoimmunity challenges....and how I navigate being in improved health day in and day out through and with it all.

Much love to you all as we ALL go on this journey of returning to wholeness (We ARE a part of the awe and wonder and nature...) Have a great and health filled day

#ThankyouGod #gratitude #Divinegifts #INjoy #weAREmore #wholeness #healing #health #salud #cleanereating #oneanotherlove

I'm connecting, I'm connecting...

From the movie "Night at the Museum 3"

Over the past 24 hours, I have shared in many conversations. It was a great day of connecting more deeply with those around me.  I didn't plan it that way, but it worked out beautifully.  I even enjoyed a more structured quiet time in the morning as well. All these things used to be regular and consistent in my life...along with writing in my journal, sharing blog posts, decluttering, cleaning, laundry, working out...all constant...all routinely attended to...and with a change over the past few years it went a bit off. My focus, my routine shaken, and I didn't hold as firm to what I had established in my life. And now that my routine gas changed again, I find myself longing to bring back anew in my life these helpful habits I once enjoyed. It not that laundry changed or the need to declutter, it was I who changed. From feeling things were manageable to feeling completely overwhelmed. Even the thought of the thought of the overwhelm still grips me, so I know I still have a way to go in recognizing I am not in that same space.

And in order to support that change, I feel compelled to return to basics...my core relationship with myself and God. I just rest in that presence...and then I open up and share...and then go quiet again....and then share some more...it's a conversation. And not until recently did I realize that this practice of introspection, connection, and relationship takes a lot (a LOT) of courage for people to choose and experience.  How can you build your heart (your core, your courage...), if you are constantly denying it?  How can you build up your connection if you refuse to acknowledge it is already there?

This is my Facebook post in response to this thought...


Good morning! I'm logging into a device that was JUST connected. The funny thing is I am sharing from another device that chooses to stay more consistently connected while this other device flips and flops between disconnected and connected. From the evidence of the other device being connected and functioning well in its navigation through the internet, I know there is a working source of WIFI that is open, flowing, and available.

We are always available to the choice of being consistently connected...to our good health and fitness, to our loving relationships, to our fulfillling spirituality and well-being, to our happiness, and even to our abundance (which is in all the above mentioned aspects of life...and more). AND we can ALSO choose that these same things are also our greatest burdens...our health, relationships, spirituality, and pursuit of happiness. It is as simple as choice...to be grateful and eager to enjoy or to be focused on anything but gratitude and thoroughly steeped (and nurtured) in "problems" and trying to fix the unbroken and constant.
If you are reading this, then there is nothing wrong with my Internet source...working on improving my connections (in all areas) will be focus today though. Mindset matters...your perspective is your golden ticket.

‪#‎thankyouGod‬ ‪#‎biggerthanwe‬ ‪#‎Oneconnection‬ ‪#‎seekfirst‬ ‪#‎goBeyondproblem‬ ‪#‎attitudeofGratitude‬ ‪#‎mindsetmatters‬

What we do not see is bigger than what we think we are seeing

I am grateful today.  And yes, everyday I experience gratitude.  It is the attitude that I choose to be in and it brings me peace...connecting me to Upmost compassion, especially when there are aspects of my journey that I find challenging.

I experience, in this life I am living, what is referred to as Invisible Illness.  Not just one, but more than one.  I know that many will never understand what it is to go through such a thing, and for that they can be and should be grateful.

A typical day for me....I wake up and head for a glass of water.....I know that my body has been hard at work, because the way in which I felt as I fell asleep or "passed out" is not the way that my body feels as I wake in the morning.  I know that there has been repair, healing, and recovery, because most every night I go to bed in physical pain.  I then connect with gratitude in prayer...glad to be awake another day.  After that, it turns into a flurry of chores and getting my family ready for the day and then out the door I go.  I head out to work, exposed on various levels to chemicals and "fragrances" that cause me a variety of pain and stress.  I have been coping knowingly with managing how I deal with this exposure for just over 10 years. This is what the management tends to look like.... I reduce how deeply I breath, breath through my shirt or a scarf (and now a mask), reduce how much I choose to speak, start pacing and moving, position myself "downwind" the source of the "smell" or trigger, drink water, and find myself to a fresh air source as quickly as possible.  This has improved my ability to listen, has grown my compassion for others, has increased my observation of others, and...through coping for my benefit, has also brought about a huge level of backlash.  It's funny that the backlash and personal attacks seem more draining than the temporary exposure to chemicals and toxins themselves.  At the end of the day I feel so drained, that most times I will crash on the couch as soon as I get home.  If I am not so drained, I will go through a process of removing all my street clothes, wipe down, get into my PJs, chugging some water with some form of detox supplement or practice (magnesium, zinc, spirulina or chlorella, etc) and then grab my boys and cuddle and kiss and pray and then drift off into sleep.

I have returned to working in the work force in a public setting just over a year ago....and before that, I was home with my children.  Each week before I had returned to a "conventional" workplace, I would expose myself knowingly to a certain level of "fragrance" exposure with the understanding that I had a few days at home in order to heal and recover.  Only a few in my life could fully witness (and accept) the level to which this was an aspect of my life.  Before I, myself, even fully accepted that the reasons I was narcoleptic, with chronic migraines, severe shooting and sharp back and joint pain, inability to walk properly, etc. was due to my constant exposure to the fragrances (synthetic) and chemicals that I had in my home and even wore on a daily basis.  I had so many issues....and no real solutions.  My doctor had tried all that he could and it was written off by various professionals as overwhelming stress.  No prescriptions would work and I was diagnosed as clinically depressed with environmentally triggered asthma and allergies as well as with arthritis and Graves disease.  Now however, in those processes of being diagnosed, I had discovered that I was unbelievably healthy (my doctors was upset as they were hoping to see something to connect in my tests that would give more of a diagnosis).  Even a naturopath indicated that my body was very efficient at healing itself and that I indeed was hypersensitive to chemicals in the environment.

I spent a LOT of mental time and energy second-guessing this diagnosis and experience.  I would PUSH it, over and over, and over again.....making myself appear as normal in situations, in spite of the pain and struggling, and to find out that no matter how I choose to "ignore" the symptoms they were there.  I believed maybe it was all in my head...maybe I was having a negative emotional response or a bad attitude or heart towards someone or a smell....there has GOT to be a reason that I am not "normal" like everyone else....why am I NOT like everyone else?  How come I am this rare and unfamiliar thing among the masses?  (can you see how these thoughts and questions have a toxicity of themselves?) Well, as it would turn out, I was NOT the only one asking these questions....many, many, many people keep asking this of me....assuming I am a liar with anything I have to say and despite the diagnosis (my doctors were also seen as lying), I am/was a liar.  I am hiding something....and so be it.  THIS, more so than the physical experience, is what brings more grief and pain....and in that, that is where I turned to God's compassion and in that space, I grew in my compassion for those that silently suffer AND became the voice for those that felt shame to share that they are less than "normal" from the masses. 

I have met some BEAUTIFUL people through all of this...those whose hearts overflow with compassion for others...that accommodating for the specific needs of others is an honour for them to share and perform.  Willingly embodying the meaning of hospitality.  Those who have struggled so deeply, beyond what my own experience has been, and that are brilliant and giving to others in great and transformative ways.  And I would have never imagined that the levels to which I experience pain is a lesser portion of what others around me go through ( I would never wish others to experience the pains I have gone through so that they would understand...so that I have a level of understanding of the pain that others go through is a marvel to me...I am in awe of the strength of others).

So why share this now?  Because, I choose to...and while I am still in recovery mode from choosing to be in an annual event a few days ago now where many individuals were scented and I found myself using many of my coping mechanisms, I am still experiencing the burden of it today.  In those moments, I chose to situate myself in areas where I would experience "less" pain and reaction.  And how many around you may be doing that "silently" as well?  You will never know, but know that it is happening as I have discovered along my journey's way.  And in other areas of my life where scent is a concern for me on a more regular basis, I choose to be in those spaces with a level of safety, so I can be more fully present with my energy and attention and to be able to process more clearly.  It is not something I choose to explain or justify....it's not an excuse from one to the other, it's just how I chose to be in those moments in my life.  I would choose to be fully mindful and present in all the situations I approach in my life, but I will admit, some I am chose to attend to more than others.

The thing that I have received the most from all of this is my own compassion for others.  "Compassion is the feeling of empathy for others. Compassion is the emotion that we feel in response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help."  With a profound awareness of the suffering of others through my own painful experiences, I have grown into a person I would have never imagined to be....loving without deep judgements or conditions, desiring to bring peace and love and joy into the lives of others in spite of where they are at, offering true and intended connection with those around me, AND not skulking off into a corner or the darkness when I am experiencing pain, but allowing myself to serve to the joy and connection of others through it.  It would be nice to not have to experience such pain daily, BUT if this is all that I have to experience as physical pain in my life while still being able to bring something of value into the lives of others, then I am, again, grateful, for this great and wonderful gift and how it serves me and others.

To my parents: Thank you!

As we celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada this weekend, I am reminded to share my gratitude for all that is in my life. As I was reflecting on a current challenge that I am facing, I realized how much I am grateful to my parents for the examples they have shared through the lives they live.

To my mom,
Thank you for your desire to continue to learn and improve on your knowledge. You have consistently, throughout my time of watching you, been into your books and studies to advance in your career. I now desire to each day, not just to study for a career, but in all areas of my life that I desire to do more or better in. I thank you for instilling in me the desire to nourish my body with foods that promote longevity and good health. As I feed my children and look to meet their nutritional needs, I see how you gave us what was not conventional to provide for us a longer and healthier life. Thank you for walking as a confident, youthful, strong woman who is proud to be in the skin she is in. It has helped me to reach the point where I feel I can do the same and it encourages me, when I was younger and today, to appreciate the uniqueness of how I was made.

To my dad,
Thank you for your continuous love and support. You have always been there to encourage me, even when you yourself were not at your best. Your BEAUTIFUL example of unconditional love towards your family and to me has resonated with such HUGE waves in my life, I don't have words I can describe. You have celebrated my accomplishments and talents and helped and trained me to love the details. You helped me to keep my eyes open to seeing what is beautiful in the world and the people around me. Your example of humility to God's word has touched my very soul and your acknowledgment of God and his authority in your life helped me to look outside myself and realize I am a part of a bigger picture.

Also, I would like to thank you both for your example of perseverance through trials. You both have shared the challenges that you have gone through and I would like to say that you have come through those trials and have encouraged the same perseverance in my life as well. I know there is hope, and beautiful opportunities that lie on the other side of challenge, trials and struggles. You both give generously with what you have, and when you see a need, you have a desire to take care of it, especially for your family. You both have encouraged the desire to forgive others and let go and allow love to fill my home and the hearts of those around me. Whatever I may have been through with anyone in the past is not worth holding on to if it compromises my ability to love them more, especially those near and dear to me. My desire is to encourage and to love in spite of... Thanks for helping me to be who I am today.

With love,
Your daughter,

Good morning! - Saturday, November 21, 2009

ELisa Sterling-Cowan

November 21, 2009 · 

BEAUTIFUL morning!! I woke to a bright, inviting blanket of snow that brightened up the day before the sun rose....LOVE it!!

How long

As I reflect today on the health issues I have been experiencing, I am reminded that we are not promised forever in this world. I am truly grateful at how blessed my life has been. I have two beautiful boys, who are not only wonderful to share time, cuddles, and kisses with, but make me smile just at the sight of them. They are compassionate and when they see tears in my eyes, they do their best to comfort me and make me feel better. My prayer for them is that they live their lives appreciating the beauty that God has created and have hearts that desire to love as Jesus loved......wholeheartedly and full of passion.

I am truly grateful to God for gracing my life with someone who would not only challenge me to continue to grow closer to God, but who I would enjoy spending my life with. I truly love my husband as he is my best friend and has inspired me to live my life to the full in ways he could have never imagined. My hope and prayer for him is that he remain a nurturing, loving, serving, and compassionate man. That he keep his vow to God, and in honour of what we share, strive to grow closer to God each and every day of his life with his whole heart. That he will encourage our boys to grow to become wholehearted and loving men of God.

My life is full of joy, opportunities, appreciation, gratitude, and love. More than I could have dreamed and there is the potential for more to come. Thank you God!